Badjim.com

Thank Jim P in Houston (?) for these jewels:

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem ……”

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Bad Jim is not sure whether K-Rod deserves a “Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model” Award or “Dis guy is gettin brains fer Chrissmiss” Award. You be the judge.

Mets withhold K-Rod’s salary, put him on DQ list
By KRISTIE RIEKEN, AP Sports Writer 33 minutes ago
HOUSTON (AP) The New York Mets are withholding injured closer Francisco Rodriguez’s salary while he’s sidelined, and the team wants to convert his contract to a non-guaranteed deal.

New York Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will be out for the rest of the season because of a torn thumb ligament in his pitching hand.

The moves could be a prelude to the Mets releasing the star closer without paying most of his 2011 salary.
Rodriguez was placed on the disqualified list Tuesday, six days after he tore a ligament in the thumb of his pitching hand while punching his girlfriend’s father outside a family lounge at Citi Field. Rodriguez had surgery Tuesday to repair the self-inflicted injury and is expected to miss the rest of the season.

The Mets said he won’t be paid while on the disqualified list. In addition, they said they were exercising a contractual right to convert the rest of his $37 million, three-year deal to non-guaranteed, meaning they could try to avoid paying most of what’s left on it.

From Terry in Corpus:
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!”

Could Reduce Job Stress, Labor Department Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.

According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and “go off” at the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away.

Starting on Monday, inflatable slides will be installed in such diverse workplaces as Home Depot, Starbucks, and the White House, said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis.

“If post offices had inflatable slides, think of the lives we could have saved,” she said.

Blame Cardinal “Black Hat” Ron in Houston for this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17zxA7C9l_8

Bad Jim has heard this joke many times in the past but still laughed
his ass off at Penn’s version!

This is great.
Thanks to Hugh Jass and Info Bob, both Rice U alumni.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2HipedgM3I&feature=related

This week’s winner of Bad Jim*s “Dis guy is gettin brains fer
Chrissmiss Awrad”: Dennis Hawkins. Contributed by Injuneer Joe in
Arizona

Bank robber wore clown pants, fake breasts
Jul. 26, 2010 08:55 AM
Associated Press
SWISSVALE, Pa. - Authorities say a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank
wearing a woman’s blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants.

Swissvale police say 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was
sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in
a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday.

Police Chief Greg Geppert says Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint,
using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store.

Geppert says Hawkins then entered a woman’s car. She got out, took
her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car.

He is being held on $230,000 bail. It’s not clear whether he has an attorney.