Badjim.com

November 6, 2015

Not the best looking guy anymore . . .

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 5:25 pm

Pope Barefoot Bob claims:
I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I’m a little frayed around the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. And all of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought …
“Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!”

October 29, 2015

In the News - McGruff

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:41 am

GALVESTON, Texas - John Morales, the actor who played the crime-fighting cartoon character ‘McGruff the Crime Dog’ was sentenced to 16 years in prison stemming from a 2011 arrest in which police seized 1, 000 marijuana plants, 27 weapons - including a grenade launcher - and 9,000 rounds of ammunition from his home, reports CBS Houston.
The sentence was handed down Thursday, just three days after the 41-year-old former actor pleaded guilty. Morales insisted during the sentencing hearing that he was nonviolent, but U.S. District Judge Vanessa Gilmore said, “Everything I read about you makes you seem like a scary person,” reports the station.
McGruff the Crime Dog is a cartoon bloodhound that was created by global advertising company Saatchi and Saatchi and the Ad Council in the early 1980s for the National Crime Prevention Council. The cartoon figure was used by U.S. police in spreading crime awareness, and is perhaps best known for the tagline “take a bite out of crime.”

October 8, 2015

I’m going to the bar

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 11:48 am

From Mohamed in Cairo:

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I*ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife replies, “You want a beer, my love?”

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.”

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOU’RE MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A FUCKIN’ BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER… GOT IT, ASSHOLE?”
…and they lived happily ever after.

September 28, 2015

New Parrot

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 10:12 am

From MBlack in Texas:
Man walks into a pet store and wants to buy a parrot. The owner tells him that he has a parrot in the back,but the parrot used to work in a house of ill repute. The man decides to buy the parrot. The pet store owner covers the cage, brings the parrot out front to the man who takes the parrot home with him.

At home, the man takes the cover off of the cage.

Parrot looks at the man’s wife and says: “You must be my new madam.”

Parrot looks at the man*s daughters and says: “You must be the new working girls.”

Parrot looks at the man and says: “Hello, Bad Jim.”

September 23, 2015

Dave knows everyone

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 9:14 am

RIP Yogi Berra, 1925-2015
An oldie but goody from Info Bob in Houston:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, I’ll know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood , knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Tom Cruise shouts “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Tom Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks knowing Tom Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup.” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.”

So off they fly to Rome . Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw…you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

September 22, 2015

Really BAD videoof the Day

Filed under: Groaners, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 8:50 am

Blame Info Bob in Houston:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/1XWo4ufMkG4?rel=0>

September 21, 2015

Fable of the porcupine

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:44 am

From Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

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