July 10, 2016

In the News - Walmart brawl

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:51 pm

A 30-Person Brawl Broke Out in Walmart After Some Teens Laughed at a Woman’s Dress
By: VICE Staff
July 6, 2016

Last weekend, some last-minute Fourth of July hot dog shopping at a Walmart in New York erupted into a 30-person fistfight complete with flying trash cans and baseball bats, WHEC in Rochester reports.

According to WHEC, the whole thing started when a few teenage girls started snapping cellphone photos of people in the store and making fun of a woman’s dress. When the woman’s family members caught on, a fight broke out and quickly escalated into an all-out brawl with other shoppers.

According to Police Chief Jim VanBrederode, the brawlers even grabbed baseball bats from the sporting goods section to fight with.

“The adults jumped right in with the kids, and this is what it turned into,” Chief VanBrederode told WHEC.

One of the fighters, 17-year-old Nykia Brooks, allegedly split a 52-year-old guy’s head open with a can of food. She was arrested along with three others and was charged with second-degree assault, a felony, as well as two violations.

Walmart is planning to step up its security following the incident, and Chief VanBrederode says the police are still reviewing security footage and plan to make more arrests.

“If you’re in that video, you ought to be looking over your shoulder,” he told WHEC. “It’s just a matter of time before we come knocking on some doors.”

July 8, 2016

Shaggy dog

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:42 am

Bad shaggy dog joke (aren’t shaggy dog jokes bad by definition?) from Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms, “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says :I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second man says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second gman says *I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.* POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fcuked up.”