September 28, 2015

New Parrot

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 10:12 am

From MBlack in Texas:
Man walks into a pet store and wants to buy a parrot. The owner tells him that he has a parrot in the back,but the parrot used to work in a house of ill repute. The man decides to buy the parrot. The pet store owner covers the cage, brings the parrot out front to the man who takes the parrot home with him.

At home, the man takes the cover off of the cage.

Parrot looks at the man’s wife and says: “You must be my new madam.”

Parrot looks at the man*s daughters and says: “You must be the new working girls.”

Parrot looks at the man and says: “Hello, Bad Jim.”

September 23, 2015

Dave knows everyone

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 9:14 am

RIP Yogi Berra, 1925-2015
An oldie but goody from Info Bob in Houston:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, I’ll know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood , knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Tom Cruise shouts “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Tom Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks knowing Tom Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup.” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.”

So off they fly to Rome . Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw…you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

September 22, 2015

Really BAD videoof the Day

Filed under: Groaners, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 8:50 am

Blame Info Bob in Houston:>

September 21, 2015

Fable of the porcupine

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:44 am

From Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!