December 20, 2014

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 12:46 am

From Windflower in Chicago:

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks
1. How much white are you?

2. I’m part white myself, you know.

3. I learned all your people’s ways in the Boy Scouts.

4. My great-great grandmother was a full-blooded White American princess.

5. Funny, you don’t look white.

6. I’m not racist, my best friend is White.

7. Do you live in a covered wagon?

8. What’s the meaning behind the square dance?

9. Can I touch your facial hair?

10. Hey, can I take your picture?

December 17, 2014

Xmas Q & A

Filed under: Groaners, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 6:17 am

Groan . . .

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

December 14, 2014

Knock knock cops

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Law, Knock Knock Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:02 am

Compliments of the Rosenberg, TX Police Department:
Police: Knock, knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: The Police
Me: What do you want?
Police: We just want to talk.
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: 2
Me: Then talk to each other

December 12, 2014

Dirty Christmas Pick-up lines

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 10:55 am

Time to break out some old Christmas jokes.

Today Bad Jim is officially in single digits - 9 more wake-ups in The Republic of Georgia! I’m heading home Dec 21 - so all you Pagans should be happy!

Christmas Pick-up lines

Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.

Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want
for Christmas.

If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas,
can I come visit you between the holidays?

Shouldn’t you be on top of the tree, Angel?

You know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults.

How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?

Wanna meet Santa’s little helper?

What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?

Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!

Screw the nice list, I’ve got you on my - nice and naughty list!

That’s not a candy cane in my pocket. I’m just glad to see you!

My best toys run on batteries

Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?

He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh

I know its not Christmas, but Santa’s lap is always ready.

Santa’s lap isn’t the only place wishes come true.

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Interested in seeing the ‘North Pole’? (Well, that’s what the Mrs.
calls it)

If you jingle my bells, I’ll promise you a white Christmas

December 10, 2014

Obit of the Year

Filed under: Clean, Groaners, In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:25 am

Thank Quayside Bob in Conroe, TX

Die-hard Redskins fan puts ‘final wish’ in obituary

MECHANICSVILLE, Va. (WUSA9) - A Washington Redskins fan who passed away Monday was able to make one last dig at the team. John Ray Bartgis died on Monday, November 10 at age 52 after battling lung cancer. In his obituary, he asked the Redskins to grant one of his
“final wishes.”

John was also a diehard Washington Redskins fan, and one of his final wishes was that the team members would be his pallbearers so they can let him down one last time, the obituary reads.

December 9, 2014

In the News - 30 minutes of freedom

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 12:38 am

Car Thief Gets Out Of Jail, Steals another Vehicle

A Bad Jim’s “Dis Guy is gettin’ Brains fer Chrissmiss” Award winner!

DECEMBER 5 After spending five months locked up for auto theft, a Washington state man was released from custody Wednesday afternoon and then promptly stole another vehicle from a supermarket parking lot two blocks from the jail, police allege.

Upon his release from the Whitman County jail, Kyle Matthews, 21, made his way on foot to Rosauer’s supermarket in Colfax, a city in the state’s southeast corner.

According to cops, Matthews hopped into a running 1972 Volvo and took off in the car. Responding to a stolen vehicle report, officers quickly intercepted the auto and initiated a traffic stop, according to probable cause affidavits.

Matthews bolted from the vehicle, but was eventually chased down by state trooper and arrested. He was returned to the county jail, where he is being held without bail for auto theft, possession of stolen property, attempting to elude, and other charges.

All told, Matthews enjoyed about 30 minutes of freedom.

December 8, 2014

Obama’s puppy

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 5:03 am

An old joke that’s been repurposed. Still funny.

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran
over the Obama’s new puppy, sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He
climbed out of his rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin’ ballistic.

Then, Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
brushed it off and immediately a genie popped out.

“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the
genie “as a reward I shall grant you one wish.”

“Well,” said Bill, “I have all the material things I need, but let me
show you this damned dog.”

They walk over to the splattered remains of sunny. “Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?” Bill asked.

The genie looked at the remains and shook his head. “This critter is
too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there’s
something else you’d like?”

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two

“I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica,” said
Bill, showing the genie the first photo. “But I’m actually married to
this woman called Hillary,” and he showed the genie the second photo.

“You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her
look like Monica?”

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
“Sh!t, let’s have another look at that dog!”

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