November 29, 2014

Holiday tatoos

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 5:40 am

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
Then the woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’ t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
The woman answered, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

November 26, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:55 pm

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock

November 25, 2014

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving dinner

Filed under: Personal — Bad Jim @ 12:03 am

RIP: Mayor Marion “Bitch set me up” Barry, 1936-2014

Bad Jim pulled this one from the 2004 archives

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

November 24, 2014

Grocery store at Thanksgiving

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 10:46 am

Oldie but goody:

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn’t find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No they’re dead.”

November 19, 2014

Handyman advice

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 4:44 am

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

November 16, 2014

How to cook a fcuking steak

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:51 pm

Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy.

You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a sh!t, just get a fcuking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck.

Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the sh!t on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fcuker will go. Take a sh!tload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfcuker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fcuk — it should scorch the sh!t out of your finger if you*re stupid enough to touch it — put the fcuking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don;t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FCUKING BUTTER, assh0le. This is steak, all you fcuking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that sh!t over and do the same fcuking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfcuking steak to be ready, you useless assbag.

When you’re done, sling that sh!t on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fcuking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fcuking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the sh!t out of you.

November 9, 2014


Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:14 pm

Ave in Montana sends us this oldie but goody:

Today’s word is ‘Fluctuations’ (I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

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