October 16, 2014

2 guys talking in a bar

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:00 am

Roadwarrior Larry overheard 2 guys talking in a bar in Breckenridge:

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that sh!t!”

October 15, 2014

New door

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:02 am

Blame Chriss in Dubai:
Oscar Pistoriuos really wanted a new toilet door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

October 9, 2014

Quote of the Day

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 5:45 am

Blame MBlack in Thompsons, TX:
“I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.”
- Walter Matthau

October 8, 2014

Husband calls from hospital

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 10:58 am

From Roughrider Dale in Egypt:

Husband on phone: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response: Who is Paula?

October 7, 2014

Quandary or Karma?

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 11:41 am

RIP: Paul Revere 1938-2014 Those kicks just keep gettin’ harder to find.

From Roughrider Dale in Egypt:

Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370 and now can’t come out of his girlfriend’s apartment.

October 4, 2014

a delicate matter . . .

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:45 am

Compliments of Coonass Kim - where are you livin’ these days?

All ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

October 1, 2014

. . . . or are you just just happy to see me?

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:08 am

From Quayside Bob in Conroe:

Windsor man charged with smuggling 51 turtles in his sweatpants
Kai Xu faces charges in a U.S. federal court for trying to bring 51 live turtles across the Detroit-Windsor border

Kai Xu was not happy to see the border guard. Those were turtles in his pants.

Fifty-one of them. Mostly taped to his legs. Others hidden in his crotch.

The scene is described in a criminal complaint that was filed in U.S. federal court on Tuesday, alleging that Xu, a Windsor resident, tried to sneak the amphibious reptiles across the Detroit-Windsor border in August.

His bulging sweatpants gave him away and he is charged with smuggling, trading in protected species, and illegally exporting fish or wildlife. His bond hearing in a Detroit court is scheduled for Friday.

He faces up to 10 years in a federal prison if convicted.

Xu was also charged by the Canada Border Services Agency with smuggling and failing to present an animal for inspection that he was bringing into the country.

Xu’s cargo included a range of North American species: eastern box turtles, red*eared sliders, diamondback terrapins, and others. He was likely hoping to sell them - David Mifsud, a Michigan herpetologist, said some species are valued as pets in Southeast Asia and can sell for up to $800 a pop.

The sting that foiled Xu’s alleged plan was set in motion on August 5 when a UPS employee found a suspicious package at one of the company*s parcel pickup depots in Detroit. The brown cardboard box had been sent by air from Alabama; it was inscribed in red lettering with the message “LIVE FISH KEEP COOL.”

The employee called the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, which promptly sent three investigators to stake out the UPS depot. In the afternoon, Xu arrived, picked up package, and appeared to empty its contents into baggies, which he placed in a grocery bag, the affidavit states.

After disappearing between two UPS trailers, he emerged with no grocery bag, and visible lumps under both of his sweatpant legs, the criminal complaint says.

The Fish and Wildlife agents stopped tailing Xu before he entered the Windsor*Detroit tunnel, but CBSA agents in Canada flagged him for an inspection, which revealed 41 live turtles taped to his legs and 10 “hidden between his legs.”