Badjim.com

July 31, 2014

The Will

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:08 pm

From Jim P. in The Woodlands, Texas:

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, ‘Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.’

My daughter ‘Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.’

My son, ‘Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.’

‘Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.’

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, ‘Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.’

Sarah replies, ‘Property ? …. the a55hole had a paper route!’

July 27, 2014

Rick Perry orders Dallas Cowboys to Mexican border

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:07 am

DALLAS (The Borowitz Report) In his boldest move yet to address the
immigration crisis, on Thursday Texas Governor Rick Perry dispatched
the Dallas Cowboys to the United States’ border with Mexico.

In a photo opportunity with the Cowboys and several of the team’s
cheerleaders, Perry explained the rationale behind his latest
decision. “Those who would cross our borders illegally will have to
contend with the power and fury of America’s Team,” he said.

Critics of the move dismissed it as political theatre, noting that
once the Cowboys arrived at the border it was unclear what they would
do there. Additionally, there were questions about how effective the
Cowboys would be in stopping illegal immigrants, since the team has
the worst-ranked defense in the N.F.L.

July 25, 2014

2 clowns

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 7:42 pm

From Barefoot Bob

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says,

“I think we’re doing this joke wrong…”

RIMSHOT!

July 20, 2014

Christie: I Would Bring Traffic Over the Border to a Standstill

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:32 am

July 17, 2014
IOWA CITY (The Borowitz Report) Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.- Mexico border to a virtual standstill.

“There are ways of keeping people from getting to where they want to go,” Christie said, claiming that he was the only Republican hopeful with the hands-on experience necessary to fix the border crisis.

The New Jersey governor was vague about how he would halt traffic over the border, but exuded confidence that he was the right man for the job.

“I’d make a few phone calls,” he said. “It would get done.”July 17, 2014

Christie: I Would Bring Traffic Over the Border to a Standstill

IOWA CITY (The Borowitz Report) Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.- Mexico border to a virtual standstill.

“There are ways of keeping people from getting to where they want to go,” Christie said, claiming that he was the only Republican hopeful with the hands-on experience necessary to fix the border crisis.

The New Jersey governor was vague about how he would halt traffic over the border, but exuded confidence that he was the right man for the job.

“I’d make a few phone calls,” he said. “It would get done.”

July 19, 2014

Jewish divorce

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:06 pm

RIP Johnny Winter 1944-2014

From Rigger Robert in Alaska:

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says, “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?”

She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

July 17, 2014

Lexicology: words for clever people

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 9:50 pm

From Montana Ave

ARBITRAITOR * A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
BERNADETTE * The act of torching a mortgage.
BURGLARIZE * What a crook sees through
AVOIDABLE * What a bullfighter tries to do
EYEDROPPER * Clumsy ophthalmologist
CONTROL * A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITER * Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
ECLIPSE * What an English barber does for a living.
LEFT BANK * What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
HEROES * What a man in a boat does
PARASITES * What you see from the Eiffel Tower
PARADOX * Two physicians
PHARMACIST * A helper on a farm
POLARIZE * What penguins see through
PRIMATE * Remove your spouse from in front of TV
RELIEF * What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK * What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH * What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED * Brought litigation against a government official
PARADIGMS * 20 cents