December 31, 2013

In the News - no beer

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:45 pm

Posted by Injun Joe in Arizona:
Dec 27, 7:02 PM EST
Police: No beer led to ceramic squirrel stabbing
NORTH CHARLESTON, S.C. (AP) South Carolina authorities say a 44-year-old woman angry at a man for returning home without beer on Christmas beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel.
The Charleston County Sheriff’s office says in a report that deputies found a man covered with blood when they arrived at Helen Williams’ North Charleston home early Wednesday. She told investigators the man fell and cut himself, but couldn’t explain why her hands and clothes were also bloody.
Deputies say the man said Williams was so angry when he returned without beer because stores were closed on Christmas Eve that she grabbed a ceramic squirrel, beat him in the head, then stabbed him in the shoulder and chest.

December 28, 2013

Little Jimmie’s First Day of School

Filed under: Back to School, Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 4:24 pm

On Little Jimmie’s first day at school his Mom is very worried. When she picks him up at end of the day, she anxiously asks him how his day went.

“Well, I was top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.”

“What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!”

When his father comes home, Jimmie’s mom tells his father, “I’m absolutely disgusted with Little Jimmie. He said he was top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!”

“That’s my boy,” thinks his Dad.

So he goes upstairs to talk to Jimmie. “Don’t worry about your Mom. She’s a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I’m so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I’ll get it for you this weekend!”

“Oh no, Dad, don’t. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down for a while.”

December 27, 2013

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 10:41 pm

From Windflower in Chicago:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have Sex?”
“No,” she answered.
“Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes..”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

December 25, 2013

Christmas Latin Lesson

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:01 am

Thank the Church of St Adrian for today’s Latin (more or less) lesson:
Does this Christmas tree make my ass look big?

Mos is Sarcalogos nemus planto meus tergum terminus vultus magnus?

December 23, 2013

In the News - Unfortunate poll results, even more unfortunate name

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:32 pm

Happy Festifus!

Unfortunate poll results, even more unfortunate name… from Chriss in Dubai:

Delhi Polls: Bolt from the blue for Sheila Dikshit, stares at uncertain political future

NEW DELHI: After ruling Delhi for 15 consecutive years, three-time Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit today stared at an uncertain political future after she bore the ignominy of losing to fledgling AAP’s Arvind
Kejriwal in a shock defeat adding to the rout of the ruling Congress.

75-year-old Dikshit’s electoral fortunes came crashing in the Delhi Assembly elections billed as a litmus test for Congress ahead of Lok Sabha polls next year and which witnessed the first-ever triangular contest. Congress and BJP were the traditional rivals since the first Delhi elections in 1993.

December 20, 2013

Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean — Bad Jim @ 8:04 am

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If it’s Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad’s New Wife Robert

December 18, 2013

Seductive wife

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:35 am

From Go-Kart Al in Oz:
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied,

“Go and look in the garage.”

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