October 25, 2013

Eat, drink and be scary

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:44 am

Halloween quotes
On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. - Conan O’Brien

Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. - Steve Almond

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. - Lindsay Lohan

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. - Unknown

Just like a ghost, you’ve been a-hauntin’ my dreams,
So I’ll propose… on Halloween.
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you. - The Classics IV

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. - Erma Bombeck

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special. - Chris Rock

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the “spirits” of things. - Dee Snider

From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggety beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us! - Scottish saying

Hold on, man. We don’t go anywhere with scary, spooky,haunted, or forbidden in the title. - Scooby-Do

October 17, 2013

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes ‘Horribly Wrong’

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 8:40 pm

Blame Pussyhair Peterson in Houston for this.

Mr. Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5-year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a ‘Dutch Oven’ that went, as the Judge described it, “horribly, horribly wrong.”
The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.
Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a ‘Dutch Oven’, and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about ‘doing it’ to their wives ‘all the time’.

They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery’s military tucking in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning, which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery’s face, came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, “I accept that you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you have.”
Outside the court, an emotional and weary Mr Flannery said, “I am truly very sorry for what I did to my wife, and living with the guilt of what I done is punishment enough. I just hope that others will learn from my mistake. I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman’s face again. At least, not in private.”

The Ronson Writter

October 12, 2013

Yale searches for stinker adding feces to dryers

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 3:49 pm

From Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ
Yale searches for stinker adding feces to dryers

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) Yale University hopes to solve a case of
whodungit by identifying the stinker who has been soiling students’
laundry by sticking human feces inside clothes dryers.

The culprit has been dubbed the “poopetrator” and is being blamed for at least four incidents in the past month in the laundry room at Saybrook College.

“We have asked our students not to leave their laundry unattended, the
affected machines have been thoroughly disinfected and we are actively
seeking information about who the perpetrator might be,” Saybrook
Master Paul Hudak told the Yale Daily News. “That’s about all we can

Hudak said Yale police are investigating. Officials at the Ivy League
school also are considering changes to laundry room access.

Yale police declined to comment in the investigation.

Lucy Fleming was one of the first victims. She opened a dryer in the
Saybrook College laundry room on Sept. 7 and found her clothes soiled
by human feces. Someone also urinated on them. She tried to rewash
them, but they were ruined.

“I simultaneously wanted to throw up, cry and punch someone,” Fleming
told the Daily News.

The suspect apparently struck again on Friday by hanging up a
clothesline with soiled clothes in a courtyard of Berkeley College. A
person claiming to be the culprit alerted students and the Daily News
about it.

“Some people think the whole thing is funny; some think it is scary;
and everyone thinks it is gross,” Yale sophomore David Steiner told
the New Haven Register.

Steiner received two emails on Friday that apparently were from the
culprit, the Register reported. The name on the emails was ‘Copro
Philiac.’ Coprophilia is an abnormal interest in fecal matter.


Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean — Bad Jim @ 11:50 am

Oldie but goody from Queen Eddaline in Stafford, Texas:
Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had….
“Shingles,” he replied.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles..” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
The doctor asked, “Where?”
“Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??”

October 8, 2013

Why does it . . .

Filed under: Gender Bashing, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 5:27 pm

Blame Barefoot Bob:

Why does it take so long for a woman to come?

High heels…

October 3, 2013

Letter from the Queen

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:51 am

RIP: Dean Koontz 1945- 2013

From Head Bozo in Houston:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty The Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Representatives to your Congress and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

October 2, 2013

Government Help Desk

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:40 pm

It’s National Name Your Car Day! (Oct 2) Does your car have a name?

Government shutdown problem?

Have you tried turning it off and on again?