September 29, 2013

Boehner Advises Americans to Delay Getting Cancer for a Year

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 7:48 pm

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a special Sunday radio address, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) delivered a health tip to the American people, advising them to delay getting cancer for a year.

“We’re involved in a high-stakes fight over our freedom from centralized government control of our lives,” said Mr. Boehner, speaking on behalf of his House colleagues. “You can do your part by delaying getting cancer.”

He added that heart disease, emphysema, and diabetes were among a laundry list of conditions that would be “patriotic to avoid for a year.”

“If you delay getting any of these things for the next twelve months, together we will win this fight,” he said.

In closing, he reassured the American people that in the event of a government shutdown, members of Congress’ health benefits would remain intact: “We want to be in tip-top shape to continue to do the excellent job we’re doing for you.”

September 25, 2013

For the deep thinkers out there

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 12:15 pm

From Barefoot Bob:
Heisenberg got caught speeding. A cop pulled him over and asked “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No. But I know where I am.”

September 23, 2013

In Poll About Debt-Ceiling Crisis, Americans Totally Excited About New iPhone

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 4:12 pm

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) In a poll taken over the weekend about the looming debt-ceiling crisis and government shutdown, most Americans said that they were totally excited about the new iPhone 5s.
When asked about the prospect of a debt-ceiling logjam leading to a downgrade of the U.S. economy, seventy-two per cent of those surveyed said that the new iPhone looks like the most awesome iPhone yet.
Questioned about the disastrous impact of the U.S. government defaulting on the nation’s debt, sixty-five per cent agreed with the statement, “I can’t believe I waited on line all Friday for the 5s and they told me they’re sold out until October.”
On the topic of whether the debt-ceiling crisis could plunge the world economy into the most apocalyptic catastrophe since the financial meltdown of 2008, Americans were deeply divided over which color iPhone they would choose, but agreed that all of them looked amazing.

September 21, 2013

In the News

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:49 am

From Injun Joe in Arizona:

Campaign to halt Peru cat-eating festival
LIMA, Peru (AP) - A Peruvian congressman has joined animal rights activists to try and halt the consumption of barbecued cat at an annual religious festival.

The activists say at least 100 cats will be eaten at this weekend’s festival of Santa Efigenia in La Quebrada, a town south of Lima.

Congressman Juan Urquiza joined activists this year to write the district mayor and Peru’s health minister and demand a ban on cat-eating under a domestic animal protection law.

Activists also claim that dining on felines is a public health danger.

Health Minister Midori de Habich says the practice should be halted. But she has taken no action.

La Quebrada residents defend their tradition and say the cats sacrificed are specially bred with only a handful killed and eaten.

September 19, 2013

It’s International Talk like a Pirate Day!

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 12:51 pm

Alhoy Matey,
It’s International Talk like a Pirate Day!
A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!” The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we*re goon to have to pee in the boat.”

How to open a beer

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 11:24 am

Bad Jim . . . For your viewing pleasure, a truly important film clip
Road Warrior Larry from Breckenridge, CO

September 18, 2013


Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 3:11 pm

Happy National Cheeseburger Day (Sep 18)

Posted by Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, Arizona:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those pen!s enlargers, so I did.
She’s 25, and her name is Kathy.

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