August 30, 2013

Lost in translation

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:20 am

From MBlack of Thompsons, TX
To all you weary travelers, this should be a help to you when you go abroad.
This is a gem!
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English…
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

August 28, 2013

Old John Deere

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 1:14 pm

From Art Car Susan in Houston:
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”

“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

“But me ‘n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

August 27, 2013

A Voice in the Darkness

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 4:50 pm

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day when they fell into a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Redskins are Super Bowl contenders.”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God! At least Dopey’s survived!”

August 22, 2013

Fridge note

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 12:29 pm

From MBlack in Thompsons, TX
When I got home from playing golf today. The wife had left a note on the fridge:
‘It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother.’
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

August 16, 2013

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - Zeta

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 8:23 am

Dear Bad Jim,
On Wikipedia’s main page it asks “Did you know… that a peace treaty signed in Sveti Srdj ended the Second Scutari War waged between Serbia and Venice over Scutari and other former possessions of Zeta captured by the Venetian Republic?”
Pope Barefoot Bob

Dear Pope,
I DID not know that!
Bad Jim

August 14, 2013

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - Pipe

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Badly Engineered, Clean — Bad Jim @ 9:50 am

Good Day Jim!!
Well, I was trolling the web today to see if I could find some “official” definition of “diameter-inch” for pipe welding. I never did find anything I’d care to quote in a Chevron procedure I am working on… I guess I’ll just have to try to make up something!!!
But I did find the following on one Blog, and it was so entertaining, I just had to pass it on!!
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole. Hole to be large enough to allow water or other stuff to come out the open end.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipes must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

August 12, 2013

Big Bug!

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:51 am

An oldie but goody from Rigger Robert in Alaska:

A mother was driving the family station wagon behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, “My, what a big insect!”

To which her 8 year old says, “I’m surprised it could fly with a dick that big.”

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