July 28, 2013

What does he have?

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 10:11 am

R.I.P. J.J. Cale 1938-2013

From Cardinal “Blackhat” Ron in Ireland:
At the pub, James orders 10 pints of ale. An hour later, he orders 10 more.
What does he have?

A wife and 5 fcuking kids.

July 26, 2013

2 medical students

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 10:44 am

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

“Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man replied, “Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!”

July 24, 2013

Weiner continues sexting during apology

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:34 am

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner stirred controversy today by continuing to send dirty texts throughout a press conference devoted to apologizing for his behavior.

Mr. Weiner was halfway through his apology when reporters noticed him remove a phone from his pocket and aim its camera lens unmistakably in the direction of his pants.

After seeing the candidate snap a photo of the pants region and then send a text, reporters bombarded Mr. Weiner with questions, asking him if he had in fact just sexted.

“Yes, I did, but I swear this was the last time,” he said. “This behavior is now behind me.”

Mr. Weiner then concluded his press conference by removing his shirt and snapping a quick shot of his naked torso.

According to the latest New York City poll, Mr. Weiner still has a commanding lead among voters who describe themselves as pervs.

July 22, 2013

A real woman is a man’s best friend

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:37 am

Blame Roadwarrior Larry in Breckenridge:

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…
No wait…Sorry.
I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that.
Never mind…

July 21, 2013

Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 9:12 pm

Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
Smart one and it is real !!!
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobind, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

July 17, 2013

McDonald’s in Vietnam

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 6:45 pm

From Pope Barefoot Bob:
McDonald’s opened in Vietnam.
Conan O’Brien: “Now their slogan is ‘I’m Lovin’ it Long Time’”

July 5, 2013

Great insults

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 9:40 pm

RIP: Texas Johnny Brown, 1928-2013

From Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ:

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends,” Sir, said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.
- Moses Hadas

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends…
- Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.
- Winston Churchill, in response.

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Paul Keating

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.
- Andrew Lang

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
- Groucho Marx.