March 31, 2013

Happy Easter

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:43 pm

“No matter what your religious affiliation, there’s one thing about Easter we can all agree on - eat the ears first.” Red Green

March 29, 2013

The Funniest Staff Meeting

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:34 am

From *Welders do it with hotter rods* Terry
The Funniest Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: V!agra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of V!agra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List..
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:

10. V!agra, Whaazzzz up!
9. V!agra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. V!agra, like a rock !
7. V!agra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. V!agra , Be all that you can be.
5. V!agra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. V!agra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. V!agra, Home of the whopper!
2. V!agra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

March 27, 2013

Mais, I don’t know

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:11 am

From Coonass Kim:

Sitting on the backs of their boats, drinking a cold beer after getting in off the lake from fishing all day, Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, “If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and if she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make you and me kin?”

Thibodeaux crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his ear, and squinted his eyes while thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Mais, Boudreaux I don’t know if that would make us kin, but it would make us even.”

March 23, 2013

Biblical interprertation

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 10:32 pm

From Jim P. in The Woodlands, Texas.

The State of Washington approved gay marriage and legalized marijuana in the recent election.

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.”

We were just interpreting it wrong.

Bigus Dickus

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 12:47 pm

From Chriss in Dubai:

According to reports, a well respected, high ranking Pakistani official has been rejected as ambassador to Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, translates as ‘bigest dick’ in Arabic.

Yes, that’s really what it translates as. Neal Ungerleider over at True/Slant helpfully tells us that Akbar is a common Muslim name that translates to “the greatest”, and Zeb is a relatively common Urdu name whose meaning in Arabic is a crude word for male genitals.

Ungerleider has also put an Arabic article through Google Translate, with some excellent results:

There was still no statement from the GCC countries on the reason for refusing to accept the appointment (the biggest cock) ambassador to Pakistan, where … Arab Times was not able to know the reason too, but after research and investigation shows that the Pakistani diplomat (the biggest dick) is one of the biggest specialists in the Pak-US economic relations and has held an important post in successive Pakistani governments will be responsible for almost one US-Pakistan Economic Relations

But les GCC do not want (the biggest cock) and object to the appointment and refused to give his reasons.

Meanwhile, Brits and Anglophiles, have been noting an unwitting reference to Monty Python in the diplomat’s unfortunate name.

March 14, 2013

Just burning documents

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 8:48 am

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) - A puff of white smoke over Vatican City today raised hopes among the faithful who jammed St. Peter’s Square until an official spokesman explained that the Vatican was “just burning some documents.”

“Wednesday is the day we traditionally burn documents and other legal evidence, and we totally forgot about the white smoke thing,” the Vatican spokesman said. “We apologize for any misunderstanding this might have caused.”

After cheers went up from the thousands gathered outside the Sistine Chapel, the spokesman said, “We were like, ‘Uh-oh.’ We stopped shovelling papers into the blast furnace immediately.”

“We still have thousands of documents to destroy this week, but we don’t want a replay of what happened today,” he said. “One of the cardinals is going to run out to Staples and get a shredder.”

As the conclave drags on to a third day with still no Pope, the spokesman acknowledged that the cardinals were having a harder time agreeing on a candidate than at the last conclave, in 2005: “This time around, we just don’t have a slam dunk with Hitler Youth experience.”

Happy Steak and BJ Day!

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:35 am

March 14!

Apparently Jalapeno Poppers and Rim Job Day proved to be unpopular, so Steak and BJ Day was created.

PS: It’s also Bad Jim’s birthday. How convenient!

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