December 27, 2012

Jewish Family Christmas

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:24 am

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas

Patrick addressed the class, “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and
milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a little Jewish boy in the class and not wanting
to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what
do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year . . . Dad comes home
from the office. We all pile into the Mercedes; then we drive to Dad’s
toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . .
. And begin to sing, “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.

Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

December 22, 2012

One of Bad Jim’s favorite Christmas Videos

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 1:56 pm

The Ramones

December 14, 2012

‘Twas the Night After Christmas

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:23 pm

‘Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy

‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

December 13, 2012

YouTube of the Month - “Porting”

Filed under: Clean, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 2:27 pm


December 12, 2012

Day at the office

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:20 am

RIP: Ravi Shankar 1920-2012

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

December 11, 2012

Vid of the Week

Filed under: Clean, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 9:22 am


December 10, 2012

1st Bad Christmas joke of the year!

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:23 am

Q: Who makes toy guitars and sings “Blue Christmas”?

A: Elfis

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