Badjim.com

September 30, 2012

In the News - Free colonoscopies!

Filed under: Clean, In the News, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:38 am

Hey Bad Jim - I thought the IRS already had that program in place…Quayside Bob, Lake Conroe, TX

Biden promotes free colonoscopies to seniors in Florida

September 28, 2012 - The Washington Examiner

In Florida this afternoon, Vice President Joe Biden reminded supporters that thanks to President Obama, they could now get colonoscopies without a co-pay.

September 29, 2012

Finally some good news for Romney

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:38 am

Poll: Romney Ahead in Presidential Race, Say Replacement Refs
Posted by Andy Borowitz
N.F.L. refs back Romney
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) G.O.P. Presidential nominee Mitt Romney finally got some good news today as he found himself ahead of President Obama in a poll of N.F.L. replacement referees.

The survey, which immediately lifted the spirits of the Romney campaign, was taken among replacement refs on the field during N.F.L. games that they were supposed to be officiating last Sunday and Monday.

According to the poll, if the election were held today the replacement refs would have Mr. Romney beating President Obama by a score of 14-12.

By a wide majority, the replacement refs “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I’m pretty sure I’m right about this but I need to talk it over with some other people first.”

September 28, 2012

Best advise ever!

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 2:15 pm

September 28, 2012
Apple Advises Maps Users Not to Go Anywhere
Posted by Andy Borowitz
CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report)—Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook apologized for the ongoing problems with its Apple Maps app today, recommending that until it is fixed customers “should try not to go anywhere.”
“Until we get this straightened out, I strongly urge you to stay at home,” Mr. Cook advised iPhone users. “That’s your best bet for not getting lost.”
Even as he apologized, Mr. Cook downplayed the number of Apple customers affected by the Maps glitch: “This only impacts Apple customers who have someplace to go. From what we can tell, most of our customers just go back and forth to the Apple Store and that’s pretty much it.”
The Apple C.E.O. also advised customers whose iPhones consistently drop calls to “try using a land line.”

September 26, 2012

Curiosity

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 2:24 pm

NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars.

Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or p0rn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

September 23, 2012

Darwin nomination

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:21 am

Early entry for the Darwins? Fully qualified! Was on the TV news, laughed til I cried. — Montana Ave

By NBC News staff

KALISPELL, Mont. A 44-year-old Kalispell man wearing a military-style ‘ghillie’ suit was struck by two cars and killed Sunday night, authorities said.

The man, identified as Randy Lee Tenley, was apparently wearing the store-bought suit when he was struck by a car driven by a 15-year-old girl, NBCMontana.com reported. Another car swerved, and a third car, troopers say driven by a 17-year-old girl, ran him over, the station reported.

Montana Highway Patrol Trooper Jim Schneider told the Daily Inter Lake, “he was trying to make people think he was Sasquatch so people would call in a Sasquatch sighting.” Schneider said alcohol may have been a factor.

Dispatchers received no calls of monster sightings, just the one that sent emergency crews rushing to the scene, the NBCMontana.com report said.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers, The Associated Press reported.

“He probably would not have been very easy to see at all,” Schneider told KECI-TV.

September 20, 2012

Mrs Smith

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 1:37 pm

A VERY old one from info Bob - but it is way too funny not to send again.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !’

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!,’ gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes,’ the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted

September 18, 2012

Happy National Cheeseburger Day

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:08 pm

Geeseven is moving Badjim.com to a new server, so this is a test message.

By the way . . . don’t forget that tomorrow is International Talk like a Pirate Day!

We got this reminder from Da Mo Gui in Dubai:

Har! Har! Me old ship mate! I will be splicing the main brace and supping some rum watching “Pirates of the Caribbean” tomorrow to upgrade me pirate speak!
Arr me hearties! and shiver me timbers