July 31, 2012

An actual dialogue heard on the streets of Baytown, Texas

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:52 am

“Hey Bad Jim, if I tell you a rooster dips snuff, you might as well check under his wing for a can of Copenhagen.”

July 30, 2012

Letter from Mark Zuckerberg

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:41 pm

MENLO PARK, Calif. (The Borowitz Report) — After Facebook’s shares plummeted in after-hours trading today, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg issued the following personal letter to all nine hundred million Facebook users.
Dear Facebook user:
Hey it’s Mark.
It seems like just yesterday that Facebook had its historic I.P.O. and, thanks to you, my net worth soared to a staggering $20 billion. What an awesome day that was for both of us.
Today was a different kind of day. Facebook shares are plunging because the geniuses on Wall Street expect us to, and I quote, ‘make money.’ That’s why your Facebook friend Mark needs your help.
Facebook only makes money if people click on its ads. Do you know what Facebook ads are? They’re those things on your Facebook page that you have never clicked on even once.
But at Facebook we’re looking to change that. After doing extensive market research, we learned that there is one time when people actually do click on Facebook ads: when they’re drunk. This is the same business model that iTunes is based on. I’m sure a few of you have had the experience of using Facebook late at night, only to wake up and find that you’ve gotten seven auto-insurance quotes or enrolled as a criminal-justice major at the University of Phoenix.
Why am I sharing this information with you? Simple. If you want to save Facebook — and I know that you do — I need you to start drinking now.
At Facebook headquarters, we like to have all-night coding parties where we get shitfaced and write algorithms and other computer stuff you wouldn’t understand. I want you to do the same thing, except instead of coding, I want you to click on random ads for and Christian Mingle, over and over and over again. You don’t even have to buy anything — just keep clicking. And drinking.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why do I have to help Mark out? Isn’t Facebook’s stock price his problem?” Well, in a sense, yes. But maybe this is a good time to remind you that I have cached all of those photos you posted of yourself doing Jagerbomb jello shots at that Tri Delt party in 2007. And I’ll bet your future employers would love to take a peek at them.

July 28, 2012

Only in California!

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:49 am

Human excrement closes BART escalators
Posted: Jul 26, 2012 9:35 PM CDT
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) Human excrement is gumming up the wheels and gears of some escalators servicing Bay Area Rapid Transit stations in San Francisco.
The San Francisco Chronicle reports that BART station stairwells have become a common place for homeless people to sleep overnight or relieve themselves.
When crews pulled out a broken escalator at the Civic Center station last month, they found such a high volume of feces they called a hazardous materials team.
BART officials recently spoke with San Francisco authorities about how to clean up the 16th Street plaza, and spokesman Jim Allison says that conversation also could encompass the downtown stairwells.
In addition to creating unpleasant smells, officials say waste can close escalators for extended repairs and increase station cleaning costs. There are many other reasons why escalators break down.

July 27, 2012

How to cut a watermelon

Filed under: Clean, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 6:36 am

From Grandpa Ronnie in Pasa “get down” Dena, Texas

July 24, 2012

In the News

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:00 pm

Sent to us by Dave G in Houston. Rumor has it that Dave is from a foreign country north of here, but he has yet to show us his papers. Hmmmm.

U.S. Border Patrol Busts American Citizens for Attempting to Smuggle Illegal Candy from Canada
Taylor Berman
Seattle residents Brandon Loo and Christopher Sweeney were on their way back from a trip to Vancouver when U.S. Border agents searched their car and, after finding illegal contraband, detained the two for several hours. The contraband? Kinder Eggs, which are chocolate eggs with toys in the center.
The candies are banned in the U.S. because they, like every other candy in the world, contain “a non-nutritive object.”
Loo and Sweeney were carrying six of the illegal and highly-dangerous candies at the time, meaning they faced a fine of $15,000 (or $2,500 per illegal candy). The two were eventually released, but only after they spent two and a half hours pleading their case.

July 20, 2012

Obit of the Year!

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:18 am

Compliments of Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ

Utah man’s confessional obituary owns up to life of pranks

By Eric Pfeiffer, Yahoo! News
Val Patterson with his wife, Mary Jane (Starks Funeral Parlor)Val Patterson said his life motto was “Anything for a laugh.” And after the 59-year-old died of throat cancer last week, he owned up to a few humorous events from his life.
Patterson’s obituary in The Salt Lake Tribune begins like many others, with a loving tribute to his wife, Mary Jane, and recollections of a life lived in full. But then things get more interesting, as Patterson notes, “Now that I have gone to my reward, I have confessions and things I should now say.”
First up, the former engineer admits he never earned the advanced degree from the University of Utah that gained him entrance to his chosen professional career:
“What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters ‘PhD’ even stood for.”
Patterson’s other confessions appear to stem from his youth. He admits, “I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971.” And in a far more comical confession, “Now to that really mean Park Ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again.”
And to top it off, Patterson seems to have had a string of run-ins with theme park officials over the years, writing:
“To Disneyland ” you can now throw away that ‘Banned for Life’ file you have on me, I’m not a problem anymore ” and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this.”
Patterson wraps up his final words with a somber note on how his cigarette habit deprived him of more years with his family. But it*s also clear that he loved life while he was here and was determined to go out with one last laugh. And his wife confirmed to KSL-TV that all of the confessions were true.

July 19, 2012

System improvement

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:18 am

Oldie but goody from Road Warrior Larry in Colorado:

Indian Chief “Two Eagles” was asked by a white U.S. government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official and then replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

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