Badjim.com

June 30, 2012

Boudreaux joke

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:42 am

Compliments of Coonass Kim:

Boudreaux was up in Maine cause he had heard dat dey had HUGE crawfish up dar dat da called lobsters.
The first day he got dar Boudreaux caught 2 of dem big lobsters!
He was walking up da wharf, carrying da lobsters, one in each hand. Whom should he meet at da end of da wharf but da Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing da live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well, Laddie, what are you doing with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed?”
Boudreaux, thinking quick, says, “Mais, no, my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters dat I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?”
Boudreaux says, “Well, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts dem in the water for a swim. While dey swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes my two lobsters, and I takes dem home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it*s true.”
So, Boudreaux goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to da end of da wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into da water.
Boudreaux sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, and then another. After about 15 minutes, the Fisheries Officer says to Boudreaux, “How about whistling?”
Boudreaux asks, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
Boudreaux asks, “What lobsters?”

June 29, 2012

The Gold Urinal

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:38 am

Submitted by Info Bob in Houston
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: ”I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

June 25, 2012

In the News

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:09 pm

Jail inmates taunt Sandusky with Pink Floyd anthem
24 Jun 2012 18:00:00 GMT
After being stripped of all dignity and facing a minimum of 60 years in prison on child sex abuse convictions, it’s been reported that disgraced ex-coach Jerry Sandusky was further shamed upon arriving at a Bellefonte prison by inmates taunting him with rounds of the lyric “Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone” from “The Wall.” Prisoners at the Centre County Correctional Facility were prohibited from direct communication with the former Penn State coach but could see him, and when the lights went down, they began serenading the convict with the classic Pink Floyd anthem through the walls. Sandusky is on suicide watch, and his lawyers have said they plan to appeal the guilty verdict.

June 19, 2012

Sex with a cowboy . . .

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 3:25 pm

Happy Juneteenth!!
From Eagle-Eye Steve in Pearland, Texas:

Prior to her trip to America , Carol (a blonde chick from England ), confided to her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip;
1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Q.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.
And…
3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
‘Let me tell you, they have beef to die for, and when they Bar-B-Q it, the taste is unbelievable!’
‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes…those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’
Then came the big question,
‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’
‘Are you kidding me? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my freakin’ mind!’

June 18, 2012

A new poem

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:37 am

From Roughrider Dale in Egypt:

Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me T!ts
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

‘Cos now I’m much older and gravity’s winning.
It’s Nature’s revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

‘Cos t!ts can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

When they’re both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it’s not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they’re less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they’re less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me t!ts.

June 15, 2012

Walmart humor

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 6:36 am

Oldie from Mom in Indiana:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

June 13, 2012

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 3:15 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
How come the story about the woman who was arrested for cooking meth in a Missouri Walmart didn’t make your “In the News” feature? I figured that would be classic Bad Jim.
Southside Seth
Chicago

Dear Seth,
Guess my readers missed that one! However, Bad Jim is doubting the authenticity of this story as Walmart obviously has a policy against American-made products.
Bad Jim

Dear Bad Jim
Did Barry White really believe what he sang in his songs about his pure devotion and true need for the One Love? I played his albums all week and I cannot tell if it is all phony boloney or not.
Rockin’ Dave
Cluelerss in NYC

Dear Dave,
No, no no, Dave. You are confusing Barry White with Barry Obama.
Bad Jim

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