Badjim.com

December 31, 2011

Resolutions I should be able to keep

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:55 am

Bad Jim’s New Year Resolutions (what are yours?)
1. Gain at least 10 pounds.
2. Buy a new treadmill so I have more places to hang dirty clothes
3. Watch more daytime TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff while in Angola.
4. Don’t date any Super Models.
5. I should eat at fast food restaurants more often (see resolution 1).
6. Start smoking. I’m now old enough to know better. I always wanted to try those Camels without a filter.
7. Drink more beer with cute names (see resolution 1).
8. Personal goal: bring back “Deep Space Nine”.
9. Buy another ‘77 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows heavily tinted. Buy some white fur for the dash.
10. Assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

World will not end!

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 4:00 am

“You heard it here first!,” reports Alex the Meadmaker

World will not end in 2012, says Regina man

Mayan timekeeper says end of Mayan calendar does not mean end of the world

A Regina man who trained as a Mayan timekeeper says the end of the ancient Mayan calendar does not mean the end of the world.

Dec. 21, 2012 marks the end of the 5,125-year-long Mayan Long Count calendar.

That has led to dire end-of-times predictions, including hundreds of thousands of doomsday websites and blogs on the internet and even films depicting the end of the world.

But the Global Chair of Journalism at the University of Regina says that’s not an accurate interpretation of the calendar.

Leonzo Barreno, who immigrated to Canada from Guatemala in 1989, was trained by Mayan elders to read the ancient calendars.

He says the end of the next year will start a new calendar cycle.

“This has happened before, and according to the elders this is the fifth time it’s happened,” he said.

Barreno said the beginning of the cycle is something to celebrate, not fear.

December 26, 2011

A touching Christmas story

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:15 am

From Mom in Indiana:

Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, “Honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

His wife said crying, “Yes I remember that jewlery store.”

“Well I’m in the bar next to it.”

December 25, 2011

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:10 am

On the first day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the second day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the third day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the forth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fifth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the sixth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the seventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eighth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the ninth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the tenth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
11 rasslin’ ticketstin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin’ tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin’ dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

December 22, 2011

As the Christmas party season approaches . . .

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 5:43 am

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Merlot. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Think about it

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 4:59 am

Hey - Bad Jim is in the USA for a week before returning to Angola. Send him some new Christmas jokes!

Grab your taco, you’ve pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

December 17, 2011

Closest thing to an Xmas joke so far this year

Filed under: Gender Bashing, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 4:30 am

An oldie from Terry Tak in Corpus Christi:
Boobs vs Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes — dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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