November 23, 2011

Good Wood

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 12:10 am

A very, very old joke from Chriss in Dubai:
It’s been reported that Robert Wagner asked Natalie Wood if she was going to shower on the boat. She replied “No, I’ll just wash up on the beach.”

And when someone asked Robert Wagner, “What kind of Wood doesn’t float?”, he apparently answered, “Natalie.”

November 19, 2011

One-liner of the Month

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 11:14 am

Just a note first - the hard drive on Bad Jim’s laptop crashed last week so he will have limited access to the Internet until he goes home for Christmas and can score a new ‘puter. So . . . . jokelist posts will be severely limited the next 4 weeks.

From Whiner Glen in Georgetown, Texas:
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

November 3, 2011

A Letter from Bank of America

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:40 pm

An Apology to Our Customers
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:

Dear Valued Customer:
As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.

Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.

That’s why we are writing to you today with a simple message: “Our bad.” And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.

You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.

If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)

Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we’ll do it in a way you won’t notice.
Bank of America

November 1, 2011

Amazing Grace

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 8:27 pm

Courtesy of Head Bozo in Houston:

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologize to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so

I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like I*ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”