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September 29, 2011

link / Headline of the Month

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:34 pm

You just can’t make this stuff up!

from Wackozacko in Houston:

http://deadspin.com/5833375/kansas-college-suspends-its-golfers-for-dongish-facebook-photo-but-team-captain-jack-hiscock-says-theyre-appealing-the-suspension

September 28, 2011

Ostrich

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 2:35 pm

Welcome Michelle back to Jim’s Bad Jokelist!

An oldie, compliments of Coonass Kim – not sure where he’s hanging his hat these days:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you*ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right..Whether it*s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”

September 18, 2011

You just can’t make this shit up!

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:56 am

In the News:

Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf p0rn double Percy Foster found dead in a badger den in Wales.

DWARF p0rn star Percy Foster who was also Gordon Ramsay’s double has been found dead in the most bizarre of circumstances, according to UK tabloids The Sunday Sport & RadarOnline.com

Percy Foster’s 107 centimetre (3′6″) body was discovered partially eaten in a badger’s den in Wales.

The report says the 35-year-old was found, “deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing program.”

Investigators have not ruled out the possibility of suicide, according to the report.

Adult film producer Dexter Yamunkeh said “Percy was a little guy with big problems… He was doing well but was under pressure like everyone else in this god damn industry.”

In a recent interview Foster, star of X-rated movie Hi-Ho-Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your A**e We Go, spoke of his excitement about his growing career as Ramsay’s double.

“P0rn lookalikes get more money than normal actors. Dwarf lookalike are as rare as hen’s teeth and so can command top dollar.

“I’ve already ordered a new BMW and a diamond-encrusted Soda Stream,” he said.

September 17, 2011

Movies

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 11:46 am

Contributed by Head Bozo in Houston:
My wife says to me the other night

“How come we don’t make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face….

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

September 15, 2011

3 football players

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:52 pm

Blame Whiner Glen in Texas for this:

If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?

The police officer.

September 12, 2011

Outdoorsman?

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Clean — Bad Jim @ 1:06 pm

From Whiner Glen in Georgetown. Texas
I told my friend … “This morning I waded across a raging river, escaped
from a bear in the woods, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch
of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and climbed up an enormous tree!”
My friend said, “You must be some outdoorsman!”
“Nope,” I replied, “Just a bad golfer.”

September 8, 2011

Pearly gates

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 2:21 pm

A golden oldie From Eagle Eye Steve in Pearland, TX

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the sh!t out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

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