Badjim.com

July 21, 2011

WALMART INTERVIEW

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 2:20 pm

An oldie…. from Montana Ave
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

July 18, 2011

Yellow light - an oldie

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 11:54 pm

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

“I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker , the ‘Choose
Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so
naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

July 16, 2011

3 strings

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 4:43 pm

Oldie but groany. Bad Jim believes he first heard Barefoot Bob’s rendition of this joke in The Gingerman in Houston many moons ago.

Three strings walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The first string walks up to the bartender and says, “Bartender, three beers please.”

The bartender looks at the string and says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

Disappointed, the string walks back to his buddies and explains. The second string says “No problem, I’ll go get our beers.”

The second string walks up to the bartender, “Bartender, three beers please.”

The bartender says, “Listen man, I told your buddy that we don*t serve strings here.”

Empty handed, the second string walks back to his buddies.

The third string says, “No problem. Tie me in a knot at one end and fray my ends at the other.” He struts up to the bartender, “Bartender, three beers please.”

The bartender proceeds to get him the beer when he suspiciously turns to look at the string and says, “Excuse me, but are you a string?”

The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot!”

July 13, 2011

The Date

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 2:07 pm

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: shrimp cocktail, lobster patro, champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I asked “Would you care for dessert?”

July 10, 2011

Arnold quote

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 1:29 pm

Arnold talking to Bill:
“You’re right, I should have settled for a blow j0b!”

July 8, 2011

In the News - Doh!

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:12 am

NY motorcyclist dies on ride protesting helmet law

APAP - Sun, Jul 3, 2011

ONONDAGA, N.Y. (AP) - Police say a motorcyclist participating in a
protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York died after he
flipped over the bike’s handlebars and hit his head on the pavement.

The accident happened Saturday afternoon in the town of Onondaga, in
central New York near Syracuse.

State troopers tell The Post*Standard of Syracuse that 55-year-old
Philip A. Contos of Parish, N.Y., was driving a 1983 Harley Davidson
with a group of bikers who were protesting helmet laws by not wearing
helmets.

Troopers say Contos hit his brakes and the motorcycle fishtailed. The
bike spun out of control, and Contos toppled over the handlebars. He
was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Troopers say Contos would have likely survived if he had been wearing
a helmet.

July 2, 2011

limerick

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 12:55 pm

From Jim P. in The Woodlands, Texas, USA:

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner