Badjim.com

April 29, 2011

In the News - Foul Taste?

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:31 am

Another truly independent radio station bites the dust!
RIP: KPFT (Rice University Radio) - 1967 - April 28, 2011

Blame Injuneer Joe in Arizona for this!

Man jailed for ej6culating into co-worker’s water bottle
Apr. 22, 2011
03:14 PM
Associated Press
SANTA ANA, Calif.
An Orange County
man has been sentenced to six months in jail for ej6culating into the water bottle of a woman co-worker, who unknowingly sipped from it.

Michael Kevin Lallana of Fullerton was sentenced Friday following his earlier conviction on two misdemeanor count of battery. City News Service says he got 180 days in jail and must register as
a sex offender.

Prosecutors say Lallana deposited his semen twice last year in the water bottle of a co-worker at Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Co.

Authorities say the woman sipped from the bottle that January, noticed a foul taste and threw it out. She noticed the same taste again that April, became suspicious and sent the bottle to a lab for testing.

Police in Orange questioned company employees and Lallana eventually confessed.

April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding drinking game:

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 6:51 am

If you’re the sort of person who’s waking up at the crack of dawn to watch this circus of a wedding, you probably aren’t going to be the type who wants to crack open a beer. This game is not for you.

This game is for those who’re still at it from the night before when all the hoopla begins, which is around 3 am EST. If you*re still drinking, why not make the most of the fact that every TV channel will be dedicated to the wedding and take part in our super easy and fun drinking game?

You can add your own variations to the rules, but here are a few to get you started:

Drink: Any time a ridiculous hat appears on your TV screen. (Note: Guidelines of what qualifies as ridiculous should be predetermined. They’re all going to seem ridiculous once you start drinking.)

Drink Slowly: Any time someone mentions Diana. It’s the boozy version of a moment of silence.

Drink Twice: Any time a television announcer or ‘Royal expert’ speculates about who Prince Harry will marry. (Harry would insist on doubling up.)

Drink: Any time someone mentions one of the following phrases: ‘fairy tale’, ‘true love’, ‘happily ever after’ and ‘dream come true’. (Also, try not to vomit.)

Drink: Any time you spy Queen Elizabeth waving, Prince Charles looking awkward and Prince Harry looking adorable. Basically, you’ll never stop drinking.

April 26, 2011

Sh!tty way to die

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:59 pm

RIP: “Pinetop” Perkins, 1913-2011

From Pu55yhair Larry in Houston:

Both bodies identified as men in horse manure pile in Gary
By Lindsay Machak
Monday, April 25, 2011 4:33 pm
GARY - Police still are investigating the circumstances of how two
unidentified people were found dead in a pile of horse manure Sunday
morning.

An autopsy performed Monday morning did not reveal the identities of
either victim, Gary Detective Cpl. Mike Barnes said.

Both bodies were found in a nearly 15-foot-high pile of manure near
the intersection of 22nd Place and Mississippi Street. Both bodies
have been identified as white or Hispanic men.

April 24, 2011

You woundn’t want to be an Easter Egg

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:11 am

Oldie but moldy holiday joke from Injuneer Joe in Fountain Hills, Arizona (remember, this is called Jim’s “Bad’ Jokelist!)

Why you wouldn’t want to be an Easter Egg

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes you three minutes to get hard.
You get tossed in the garbage when they’re finished with you

April 18, 2011

Homemade radiation tester

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:11 am

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might
be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation
tester:

You can easily assemble and rely upon.

Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBOCKER MICROWAVE POPCORN

JUST LEAVE ON YOUR TABLE.

IF IT STARTS POPPING YOU’RE FCUKED

April 16, 2011

Sex one liners

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap, Personal — Bad Jim @ 12:57 am

Bad Jim is heading back to Houston today for a 2-week home leave!

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

April 14, 2011

Priests and pilots

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 2:06 pm

From Mom:
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Jack, retired Alaska Airlines Pilot from Juneau.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the good father. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”

“Up here we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “When you preached - people slept. When he flew - people prayed.”

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