Badjim.com

November 28, 2010

Bad Day

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 7:53 am

A sad tale from Road Warrior Larry in Breckenridge, Colorado:
So, there I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can*t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don*t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing!

“But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

November 26, 2010

Link for the Day – What Engineers do when they retire!

Filed under: Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 3:22 pm

From Montana Ave:

Click here: http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/player.swf?b=10&l=197&u=ILLUMllSOOAvIF//P_LxP92A42lCHCeeWCejXnHAS/c

November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Filed under: Groaners, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:14 pm

Blame Pope Barefoot Bob over at the Church of St Adrian for these!
Q.What do Hippies put on their Thanksgiving potatoes? A. Groovy
Q.What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A.He got the stuffing knocked out of him
Q:What sound does a space turkey make?A:Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
Q:Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? A:To keep his wigwam.
Q:What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? A: He had an arrow escape.
Q:How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

November 24, 2010

Rindercella

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 5:35 am

Compliments of Da Mui Gua in Dubai:
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella*s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

“Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince.

“Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

November 20, 2010

A London Fire

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 6:56 am

Compliments of Da Mui Gua in Dubai:
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-story house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists, and full time benefit cheats’ lived on the first floor… all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor… they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons, all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor…they too, died.

But the middle aged Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.

Why was just the Indian couple saved? Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Pakistanis and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Indian couple lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied … “Because at the time of the fire they were both at work.”

November 14, 2010

Texting the boss

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:16 am

I texted my boss, “What’s the difference between this morning and your wife?”
He answered, “I don’t know.”
I replied, “I’m not coming in this morning.”

rimshot!

November 12, 2010

Scare in Dallas

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 4:49 pm

From Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi in Corpus Christi:
Training at the NFL’s Cowboys stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.
Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank! Training was immediately suspended, while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, Dallas Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.
Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

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