September 29, 2010

Democrats to Employ Man Who Played Obama During 2008 Campaign

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 7:53 am

Would Hit Campaign Trail in Place of President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) With just a month remaining until the crucial midterm elections, worried Democrats have decided to reach out to the man who played Barack Obama during the 2008 campaign, Democratic Party officials confirmed today.

“We were sitting around thinking of who we could put out there on the campaign trail to get people energized again,” said party chairman Tim Kaine. “And then I was like, what about that guy who played Obama in ‘08? He was amazing!”

While Democratic incumbents have been shying away from appearing with President Obama at rallies in recent weeks, they are “totally jazzed” about making joint appearances with the man who portrayed Obama in 2008, Kaine said.

“When we put the word out that we were reaching out to the guy who used to play Obama, the reaction was phenomenal,” he said. “People were like, I loved that guy.”

Wisconsin Sen. Russ Feingold echoed the sentiment of many Democratic officeholders when he heard that the man who played Obama during the 2008 race might be hitting the road again soon: “I was leery about appearing with the President onstage, but that other guy, come on, he was unbelievable.”

According to preliminary plans, the guy who played Obama in 2008 would be used to fire up huge crowds in key races, while the actual President Obama would remain behind in Washington giving boring speeches about electronic medical records.

Fox News offered scant coverage of the Democrats’ plans, other than to report that neither President Obama nor the man who played him in 2008 was born in the US.

September 28, 2010

New doctor

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:43 pm

Courtesy of Uncle Randy in Chicago:
I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous !

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional

“I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny.”

September 26, 2010

Sensitive Man

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:47 am

From Whiner Glen in Georgetown, Texas, USA:

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

“Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room, *And gentlemen, remember — you*re in this together — it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

September 25, 2010

Not a joke!

Filed under: Personal — Bad Jim @ 9:22 am

From my step-daughter Angie Avera, She is a sophomore at University of Texas at Austin (but don’t hold that against her!)

Hey guys, it’s that time again! My MS Walk for a Cure, in honor of my Daddy, is early November, and I appreciate everyone’s generous support year in and year out! Check out my page to leave a super sweet donation, or just to learn more! I’ve earned 22% towards my goal of $1350, which is awesome, but I still have a ways to go!

Here is my personal MS website where you can make a donation and read my updates:

September 22, 2010

Massey Ferguson

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:12 pm

RIP: Leonard Skinner

From Go-cart Al in Vancouver:

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers ….

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

“What on earth are you doing Mick.” says Paddy.

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me” says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

September 19, 2010

Latest from Borowitz

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Bad Medicine, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:11 am

Delaware Masturb6tors March Against O’Donnell
Largest Pro-wanking Demonstration in History

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturb6tion stance, masturb6tors from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturb6tion,” the angry masturb6tors clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturb6tor and planner of the Million Masturb6tors March, said it was difficult to organize masturb6tors “because they’re used to acting alone.”

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the “wank and file” of his organization believe that masturb6tion is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

“Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said. “And you know what individualists like to do.”

He said that Ms. O*Donnell’s anti-whacking position was “ill-timed,’”adding, “In this economy, masturb6tion is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford.”

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturb6tor from Dover, Delaware, said she is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturb6tion, why would you want to serve in Congress?”

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturb6tors March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards.”

September 14, 2010

Greatest headline in the history of sports journalism . . .

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:37 pm

From: “Catfish and Cormnbread – on earth as it is in Georgia”

On the eve of the UGA/South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was hanging out with three of my fraternity brothers (the Hound, Tex, and Bake), drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on the Atlanta Highway. We were discussing the upcoming game against the Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key players out with injuries, including our starting DE, Billy Payne and his roommate, MLB, Happy Dicks.

About 10:00, another fraternity brother, Lewis, came in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy. In addition to taking a full load at the university, he was working two jobs to help pay for (as he called it) “this expensive habit”. A talented young man, he was writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.

Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced, “Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you’ll witness journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my editor - and there’s a good chance of that happening, since he “took drunk” earlier this evening - you’ll enjoy the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism.”

He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four of us went back over to the fraternity house to get a head start on the weekend.

The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever - all because of the headline, which read:


There’s no doubt about it, it was “the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism”.


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