March 31, 2010

Little girl on a plane

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:47 am

Oldie but goody from Pope Barefoot Bob:
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?’

March 30, 2010

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 9:48 am

Dear Bad Jim,
I always have trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law for her birthday. I can’t choose between a Toyota, a holiday in Haiti, or luge lessons in Vancouver.
Rockin Dave

Dear Rockin’ Dave,
Forget the trivial, run of the mill gifts, and get your mother in law something she really, really wants for her birthday…an all event ticket with clubhouse privileges at the Masters in Augusta Georgia April 5-11 2010. There is an open caddy position as well, but she would have to try out for it.
Bad Jim

March 29, 2010

Little Ralphy

Filed under: Back to School, Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 11:47 am

From Chriss in Dubai:

Ralphy shouts out to his teacher, “Miss! Got no fookin pencil and thems got no fookin pencils either!”
Teach shouts “Ralph! The correct terms: I HAVE NO PENCIL, HE HAS NO PENCIL, THEY HAVE NO PENCILS”
Ralphy - “Who’s got all the fookin pencils Miss?”

March 18, 2010

Old prospector

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 12:34 pm

Oldie but goody:
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said. “No, I never did dance and just never wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing.
When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.
The old man said, “Son … Have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”
The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No, but I*ve always wanted to.”

March 17, 2010

And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:12 am

Happy Saint Paddy’s Day!
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn Harrigan grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “Harrigan, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”

Harrigan burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I*ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

Harrigan was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

Compliments of Bill ‘Let’s stop at the Exxon station after work for a couple of tall boys of Schlitz malt liquor’ Mahoney:
*Personal ads* in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man
who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been
known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o*clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced B!tches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old b6stard, living in a damp cottage in the arse
end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old, double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

From Brenda in Belgium:
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : “Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says: “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”

Blame Southside Seth in Chicago:
Doctor Fagan was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.”"
“Don’t worry about it Fagan, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

March 16, 2010

St Paddy’s day warm up part II

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:30 pm

Pope Barefoot Bob’s “Annual” Irish joke:

Whaddye get whan ye cross a leprechaun ‘n’ a prostitute?

A shart lil focker, ’bout this tall…

St Paddy’s Day warm up

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 4:13 pm

Thank ‘Eagle Eye’ Steve P. in Pearland, TX for his generous contribution to Wackozacko’s MS 150 fund raiser.

Time for Montana Ave’s Annual Telling of ‘The Joke’:
The Irish gal’s vibrator?

Peter O’Toole

And one of Bad Jim’s favorites:
Q: What is Irish and stays out all night?

A: Paddy O’Furniture

Stay tuned - more REAL OLD and BAD Irish jokes tomorrow!

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