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January 29, 2010

Spanish words for the day

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:49 am

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! ‘Julyer!’

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ‘Juarez your problem?’

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow.’

January 28, 2010

The Economy is so BAD that:

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:05 am

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

January 27, 2010

Colts prayer

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 3:57 pm

Our Manning, who art in Indianapolis, hollowed be thy name
Thy bowl will come, it will be won.
Give us touchdown passes,
But do not let others pass against us.
Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us to the Super Bowl.
For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFL and the glory of the blue and white, now and forever
Amen

January 26, 2010

Obama opposes pants on the ground

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:04 am

State of the Union Address Leaked
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In his first State of the Union Address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama will attempt to reach out to middle class voters by stating his opposition to pants on the ground.

In an advance copy of the President’s speech obtained by The Borowitz Report, Mr. Obama uses the phrase “pants on the ground” no fewer than sixteen times.

“My fellow Americans, let’s be clear: if you wear your pants on the ground, and your hat to the side, you run the risk of looking like a fool,” Mr. Obama says.

“Let us all work together, as Americans, to lift those pants off the ground,” the President continues in one of the speech’s rhetorical flourishes.

In a similar vein, at one point the President indicates that he will veto any healthcare bill that pays for “gold in your mouth.”

Mr. Obama’s opposition to pants on the ground is seen by many as an attempt to reach out to Republicans, for whom droopy trousers have been a winning issue.

But so far, early GOP reaction to the President’s speech has been muted, if comments by House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) are any indication.
“Quite frankly, we were opposed to pants on the ground until he was,” Rep. Boehner said. “Now we’re for them.”

January 25, 2010

Star Trek fan’s memorabilia lawsuit

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 10:44 am

From Linda the mad Hungarian in Pearland, Texas:
NY court snubs Star Trek fan’s memorabilia lawsuit
By JENNIFER PELTZ, Associated Press Writer
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
NEW YORK, (AP) A ‘Star Trek’ fan isn’t entitled to millions of dollars in damages for buying memorabilia that he says wasn’t as out-of-this-world as it seemed, a court said.

Ted Moustakis wasn’t promised he was getting a one-of-a-kind plum when he paid $11,400 for a uniform for “Star Trek: The Next Generation” character Data at a 2006 auction, an appeals court said Tuesday.

The court also said Moustakis is due at most a refund for two other purchases he says were fakes: a $6,000 poker visor supposedly worn by Data and a $6,600 table from the show’s set.

Auction house Christie’s and CBS Consumer Products, which oversees
“Star Trek” merchandise, praised the ruling. Moustakis’ lawyer didn’t
immediately return a telephone call.

The longtime Trekkie from Towaco, N.J., has said he was thrilled to
get the items until he showed the visor to the actor who played the
android Data, Brent Spiner, at a 2007 fan convention.

Spiner told him the visor wasn’t genuine, according to Moustakis’
lawsuit. Moustakis said he later found the table also was inauthentic,
and the uniform was one of several made for the program. Christie’s
had led him to believe it was unique, he said.

The state Supreme Court’s Appellate Division said the auction catalog
didn’t represent the costume as one-of-a-kind, and even if the other
items weren’t as advertised, Moustakis isn’t entitled to ‘the massive
recovery he now demands’ in his $7 million lawsuit.

Christie’s has said it stood behind the authenticity of the auction,
tied to the hit show’s 40th anniversary.

“The sale was and remains a fantastic highlight in the memorabilia
market,” Christie’s lawyer Sandra L. Cobden said Tuesday.

January 22, 2010

Bizare link of the day

Filed under: Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 9:02 pm

Welcome Patrick Liu in Yantai to Jim’s Bad Jokelist.

Blame Geeseven in Austin, Texas for this one:

http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

January 20, 2010

Not to be heard . . .

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 7:07 pm

According to Rockin’ Dave in New York City:

Unless your name is Ned Flanders, the one single expression you won’t hear walking the halls of the Capitol Building or the White House today

Coakley Doakley

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