November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Dinner?

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:11 pm

We gathered together to eat some raw turkey
Cuz Mother forgot you should thaw it out first.
The gravy was lumpy and daddy was grumpy
We stifled our laughs til we thought we would burst.
The Jello was runny, the corn tasted funny,
The biscuits you couldn’t cut through with a knife.
The yam casserole overflowed the big bowl;
This was the worst dinner I’d seen in my life
Our mother had taken some pieces of bacon
And crumbled them up in the cold pumpkin soup.
The scalloped tomatoes were like scorched potatoes.
She’d made enough slaw for a whole boy scout troop.
Then mom started cryin, but there’s no denyin’
Our Thanksgiving dinner had lost its appeal.
Mom said, “That’s enough,”she got up in a huff,
Then cleared off the table and served us oatmeal.

November 23, 2009

2 Robins

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:37 pm

Two Robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lie back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“OK,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had fallen asleep, but a big tomcat pounced on them and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…


November 22, 2009

Doc Smith

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 7:50 pm

Blame this on Go-Kart Al in Vancouver (poor Al — his cushy gig in Hawaii has ended!)

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
Dr Smith advised her, “Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’”
She did this faithfully for several months! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked “Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?”
“Yes I am.. How did you know?”
He, winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…”

November 19, 2009

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course — Bad Jim @ 10:17 pm

Excellent rework of an old joke. Thank Canadian Terry “Welder do it with hotter rods” Takahashi in Ingleside, TX. I hope he’s not one of them illegal aliens!

On a golf tour in Newfoundland , Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote part of town.The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“How’s she cuttin’ bye,” says the attendant.

Mike nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Mike.

“Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the attendant.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.”

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Newfoundlander, “Ford tinks of everyting!”

November 17, 2009

100-mile-per-hour goat

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:24 pm

Here’s a golden oldie from Jim P in Damascus. I seem to remember some movie or book that had a scene similar to this. Anyone else remember that? Regardless, this is a great joke!

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says” There’s this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumps in head first! While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible…… I had him chained to a transmission!”

This month’s winner of “Dis guy is gettin’ brains fer Chrissmiss” Award

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:28 am

Man carrying $600 pinched for alleged pencil theft
Mon Nov 16, 9:25 pm ET
BELLINGHAM, Wash. Police have arrested a man after he allegedly stole a pencil from a Bellingham store even though he was carrying $600 in cash. The man, 44, was booked into the Whatcom County Jail after police learned he had an outstanding warrant from Everett.

Officers questioned the man about why he stole the mechanical pencil, worth $5.99, when he had enough money to pay for it. Police said the suspect just responded: “I don’t know, being stupid I guess.”

PS: Hey Cliff - you know dis guy?

November 16, 2009

In the News in China

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:23 pm

Diners puke as dog munches away at eatery
Several diners at a fast-food joint in Guilin, the Guangxi Zhuang
autonomous region, vomited while others walked away without eating,
when a couple brought in their dog to the eatery last Thursday.
The dog sat on a chair and licked food off its masters’ plates, even
as the diners protested the disgusting behavior.
China News

Saying WC won’t get you to a toilet in Guangzhou
Starting June next year, there will be no WCs (water closets) in
Guangzhou, capital of Guangdong province. Instead of WC, a widely
accepted word for toilets in China, non-Chinese will have to learn how
to say ‘gongong cesuo (public toilet)’, the local government said.
They government has decided to standardize English translations at
the city’s airports, railway stations, bus terminals, ports, piers,
hospitals, schools, sports facilities, shopping malls, entertainment
venues, scenic spots and other public places ahead of the 16th Asian
Games in November 2010.

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