Badjim.com

September 28, 2009

For US taxpayers:

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:26 pm

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your money wisely:
1. If you spend the your money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India and China.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
6. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to Management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 domestic beer or
5 tattoos.

I’m going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and we’re going to drink beer all day!

September 27, 2009

George and Oprah

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:42 pm

The government has shutdown all access to Yahoo. Until further notice email me at badjim(at) badjim.com. I suspect this will last until after the October holiday period which ends on the Oct 7.

Variation on an old joke: Compliments of Elephant Ass in Tianjin:
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked, “Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.”

Mr. Burns said, “I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.”

Oprah said, “I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.”

“Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.”

“I have never been with an older man…..would you do it with me?”

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, “I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.”

George replied, “The second time is even better than the first time.”

“You can really do it again at your age?”

“Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour.. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my pen!s in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.”

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

“Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time… At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!”

George claimed that the third time would be even better.

“You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my pen!s in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.”

Oprah said, “Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?”

“No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!”

September 24, 2009

Happy Arthur Day

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 12:05 am

Today is the 250 th birthday (Sept 24) of Guiness beer. Enjoy a pint today cuz ‘It’s a lovely day for a Guinness.”
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”

September 23, 2009

Dis guy is getting brains fer Chrissmiss

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:05 am

Ding, ding ding. We have a winner. Courtesy of Geeseven in Austin, Texas.

BUSTED: Burglar Arrested After Checking Facebook During Robbery
September 17th, 2009
by Barb Dybwad
So apparently it actually works both ways: careless Facebook use can both get you robbed and get you arrested for burglary.

According to The Journal, a 19-year-old Pennsylvania man was arraigned earlier this week on a charge of felony daytime robbery. How did police catch him? Simple: the burglar left a trail, by way of checking his Facebook account before leaving the house with two diamond rings and forgetting to log out.

Jonathan Parker remains in custody on $10,000 bail, facing a maximum 10 year prison sentence if convicted. A friend of the defendant said Parker had asked him for help breaking into the victim’s house the previous night, so things are not looking too good for the perp.

As Homer Simpson would say, “doh!”

As Bad Jim would say: “Dis guy is getting brains fer Chrissmiss”

September 22, 2009

Bad Jim’s Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model Award

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:17 pm

Injun Joe found this one.
Note from Bad Jim: One would have thought that being stupid enough to shoot yourself in the leg would have been punishment enough.

This week’s winner of Bad Jim’s Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model award:

Ex-NY Giant Burress gets 2 years in gun case
By KAREN MATTHEWS, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK (AP) Former Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress apologized to his family and tearfully kissed his pregnant wife and young son goodbye Tuesday before he was led away to prison to begin serving a two-year sentence on a weapons charge.

Burress, at the time a star receiver with the New York Giants, was at the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan last November when a gun tucked into his waistband slipped down his leg and fired, wounding him in the thigh.

The accidental shooting enraged New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who publicly castigated Burress for carrying his .40-caliber weapon.

Burress arrived in the courtroom Tuesday wearing jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, a stark contrast to the dark blue suit he wore last month when he entered his guilty plea.

Burress’ big moment with the Giants came when he caught the winning touchdown over the previously undefeated New England Patriots in the final minute of the 2008 Super Bowl.

The Giants released Burress in April, but the 32-year-old told ESPN he hopes to resume his NFL career when he completes his sentence.

September 21, 2009

Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 11:38 pm

Dear Bad Jim
Da Bears be playin da Paackers tanite pull dem Sheboygan braats outada freezee and hand me a babst blue ribbon der
Rockin Dave
New York City

Sorry dare Dave for my late response.
Dose Meat Packerse got really lucky dare and beat da bearse.
I think da bears ate too much of dat dare kielbasa before da game dare.
Paackerse suck. Aaron Rogerse swallows.
Two tumbs up to dat dare Blue Ribbon.
Bad Jim

September 20, 2009

Dead Right There

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 4:52 pm

Compliments of Whiner Glen in Michigan:

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.’

Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’

‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’ Ronnie replies.

‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?’

‘Well, not exactly’, Donnie says, ‘When she answered the door, I said
to her, “You must be Cooter’s widow”.’

She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’

Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.’

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