Badjim.com

June 30, 2009

More thots

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:48 pm

“Bad Jim on the Road” is coming to you from the Hilton Beijing. On my way to Chicago in a couple hours.
More thots thanks to Terry *Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi:

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone I said, “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just taking a sh!t.”

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul…….. won’t the fcuking thing start?”

June 29, 2009

Couple Marry, Divorce on Same Day

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:07 pm

Thank Injuneer Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ for this jewel:
Polish couple who had been living together in Germany got married and decided to get an annulment on the same day, after a huge fight broke out almost immediately post-nuptials. It escalated pretty quickly into that “I never want to see you again” phase, which must be pretty awkward right after tying the knot with somebody.

Then the groom began chasing his bride around with a knife and trying to cut her hair. (Judging by what we learned from the Claire Danes movie, we’re pretty sure that’s not a Polish wedding tradition.) The cops were called by wifey and they issued the man a restraining order, which he gladly accepted.

To put the cherry on top of the worst wedding day ever, the surly groom spent his wedding night sleeping alone in a homeless shelter for men. Well, at least as alone as a person can be in a homeless shelter, that is. Happy June!

For some reason it was a little more entertaining when Britney Spears did it. Perhaps that’s because her short-lived marriage to a high school buddy involved Vegas shenanigans instead of somebody being chased around with a kitchen knife.

Arrr . . .

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 1:22 am

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed in his pants.
He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, “Hey matey, do you realize you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants there?”

Pirate says, “Arr… it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

June 28, 2009

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - Special Jacko Edition

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 12:21 am

Good ones Bad Jim,
You must have been up all night getting these out. What couldn’t get to sleep?

What is it with every swingin’ dick giving a glowing tongue lickin’ eulogy to Wacko? Even dopey Mike Bloomberg fell into it…Cheesus! “I will always listen to his music.” Puullleeeezze. I bet hes got cash register sounds on his walkman.

We went to the Aerosmith concert last night at Jones Beach and after Stephen ripped off three straight burners, Joe Perry does his solo vocal piece while ST is off stage shooting up, anyway he got real weepy when he dedicated this B- DranoLacedPuffPatsy tune he wrote…”this is for Michael..” I went to get a hot dog.

Even puddin’ head Lisa Marie is cashin’ in and was on TMZ about how her marriage was not a sham and that Michael had foretold his death just like Elvis… give me a friggin’ break..Elvis was and is the King. OK, OK maybe Wacko is the Queen of pop…cool moonwalk though, gotta admit

I bet Michael Jackson will be on special exhibit, front and center at the Phoney Baloney Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as well…right next to Madonna, the Cowsills and Up With People.

ZZTop fronted for Aerosmith last night and Billy did a god in the wool ripper on Purple Haze..we need more Jimmy and Billy and less Michael out there…but I’m not holdin’ my flippin’ breath in this town
Rockin’ Dave
New York City

The opinions expressed are solely those of the respondent and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bad Jim, this web site, the portal, or the advertisers

Bad Jim:
Jacko had so much plastic in him that they have recycled into Legos so
little kiddos can still be in touch with him.
Info Bob
Houston

Bad Jim,
Too fcuking soon!!
Okay, they’re funny…
Darin
Austin

Hey Bad Jim,
The jockeys at all the horse races for the next month will be wearing black armbands out of respect for Jacko, because he successfully rode more 3 years olds than anyone in history.
Hops Landry
Houston

Jim,
When Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven she was granted one wish, Her wish was to keep all children of the world safe. Two hours later Michael Jackson Died

Is that *bad* enough for you?
Mrs Bad Jim
Pasadena, TX

June 26, 2009

Jacko

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:30 pm

Cause of Michael Jackson’s death just was announced, he died of food poisoning. Apparently he ate 12-year-old nuts.
Jacko died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
Apparently McDonalds are doing a Michael Jackson commemorative burger: a 50-year-old piece of meat between two 5-year-old buns.
Jacko hasn’t been so stiff since Macaulay Culkin stayed over
Michael Jackson’s body is not to be cremated or buried. It’s to be recycled into grocery bags. That way he can continue to be white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

June 24, 2009

Jeff council lawyer found in trash can

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:04 pm

Hugh Jass, Esq. of Houston writes; “I’d hire him!”
The latest recipient of Bad Jim’s Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model Award:

Jeff council lawyer found in trash can
By Ben Zion Hershberg
The president of the Jeffersonville City Council said she will call a special meeting next week to discuss the future of the council’s lawyer, who was found Wednesday lying in a neighbor’s garbage can after what he called a night of celebratory drinking.

Larry Wilder was found by the neighbor around 7 a.m. Wednesday.

“It is really embarrassing,” Connie Sellers said. But she said she sees the incident as a personal mistake and doesn’t think it should affect Wilder’s professional relationship with the council, while others saw it differently.

Wilder apologized for any embarrassment he caused. “I apologize to my children more than anyone,” he said.

Officers helped Wilder walk across the street to his house after being called by a neighbor. No charges were filed. Police Chief Tim Deeringer said his officers used their discretion in simply helping Wilder home because he was cooperative and wasn’t a threat to himself or anyone else.

Conrad Embry, 80, the neighbor who called police, saw his garbage can on its side and someone lying in it when he took is dog out for a walk about 7 a.m.

“If I’d known it was Larry Wilder, I wouldn’t have called the police,” Embry said. He said Wilder “has been a wonderful neighbor.”

In an interview Thursday, Wilder acknowledged he went out Tuesday night with a group of friends to celebrate after one of them passed a real-estate licensing exam, and that he had been drinking. After dinner in Louisville, he said, the group went to Fourth Street Live.

“I was not driving,” Wilder said. “It’s a private matter, made public because I am a public person.”

Wilder said he was driven home in a client’s limousine. He declined to identify the client. He also said he remembered little of what happened after leaving Louisville.

Embry said he heard and then saw a group of people who were noisy in the street in front of his house about 5 a.m. Wednesday.

He said he called to them to ask if they needed help, and then saw a limousine drive away. He said he didn’t find Wilder until two hours later.

According to the police report, four officers responded to the call received just before 7 a.m. and found the contents of the trash can scattered with Wilder inside. A photo taken at the scene shows a man head-first in the can. Deeringer said the photo apparently was taken by one of the officers with the officer’s personal cell phone, and that he is attempting to find out which one. While that doesn’t violate department policy because it was taken in a public location, the chief said, he would prefer his officers not take private pictures of police activities, and plans to discuss the matter with the officer.

June 22, 2009

No big deal

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:08 pm

RIP: KODACHROME Film, 1935-2009

Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods* Takahashi:
I can*t see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It*s just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman a (unt.

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