Badjim.com

April 30, 2009

When Obama was running . . .

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:54 pm

Blame this on Injuneer Joe in Fountain, Hills, Arizona:

When Obama was running for president, people were saying he would be elected when “pigs fly.”

Now, 100 days in office, and guess what?……swine flu

April 29, 2009

What did it say?

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 8:22 am

Info Bob in Houston claims:
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was being interviewed by Rush Limbaugh and tells him, “Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner.” “What did it say on the banners?” Rush asks.
Mahmoud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”

Rush says, “You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called in because, believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

“What did it say on those banners?” Mahmoud asks.
Rush replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

April 28, 2009

Stolen johns

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:38 pm

Blame Windflower in Tanggu for this:

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have nothing to go on.”

April 27, 2009

Polite Way To Pee…

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 2:54 am

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

*Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?*

Michael said, *Just a minute I have to go pee.*

The teacher responded by saying, *That would be rude and impolite.*

*What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?*

Sherman said, *I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I*ll be right back.*

*That’s better, but it*s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.*

*And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?*

*I would say, *Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.*

April 26, 2009

Link for the Day

Filed under: Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 9:56 pm

Kids! Is hallucination for you? Click here to find out:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/graphics/011109_hacking_your_brain/

Compliments of Dr Andy in Austin, TX, USA

April 25, 2009

Mooning leads to mistrial

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 10:35 pm

Thank Injuneer Joe in Arizona for this jewel:
SIERRA VISTA - A Cochise County judge has declared a mistrial in a murder case because the defendant’s brother dropped his pants, gestured and made threatening comments in the presence of jurors.

Judge Wallace Hoggatt ended the trial on Friday after jurors reported seeing and hearing acts by Steven Kastner outside the courtroom.

Kastner was attending the trial of his brother, 28-year-old Jonathan Arthur Ramil. Ramil is charged with first-degree murder for the June 2008 slaying of 43-year-old Patrick Gleason in a Willcox home.

Kastner admitted he pulled down his pants when questioned by Hoggatt, but said he did so as a joke and didn’t realize jurors were nearby. He denied making a gesture that a juror reported or making remarks that another juror overheard.

Hoggatt reset the trial for June 1 and barred Kastner from the courthouse.

April 21, 2009

Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 6:55 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
Why no comment on Susan Boyle’s Britain’s Got Talent Performance?
Is opera still considered music or history?
Still lost on this whole thing.
Rockin Dave
New York City

Dear Dave,
A better question is how did she get on the show? Did you know that the letters NBC stand for *No Butt-faced Chicks?*
Jim
PS: I think she looks like your first wife.

xxxxxxxx

Dear Bad Jim,
How are you going to celebrate Earth Day?
Southside Seth
Chicago

Dear Seth,
I was planning on finishing off the green beer left over from St Patrick’s Day.
Jim

xxxxxxx

Dear Bad Jim,
I have a dilemma. Last weekend I met a very attractive Japanese girl who invited me up to her apartment. The place was real snazzy with a bunch of white furniture. One thing led to the next and we ended up naked on her pearly white sofa. When she got up to fetch another bottle of white wine I noticed I left a huge skid mark on the cushion. Being a smart engineer and all, I turned it over before she returned.
My question is: what type of white wine would you recommend for our next rendezvous?
Rockin Dave

Dear Dave
Being a chemical engineer you did exactly the right thing. The next time you go to her place, my advice, as a construction slug, is to skip the low solvency of white wine and bring a cold bottle of Stoli and a jar of pickles. Slice a bunch of them up on a plate. Do half shots followed by the pickle chaser. Make sure you give good toasts before every drink…like… to our good cooperation in and outside of the office….to the world baseball classic…to the nice leather seats in your Lexus…you know just don’t finish the whole bottle of Stoli…OK?

After sweet potato time she’ll be pretty wasted and will pass out…happens every time….take her panties and soak them in the rest of the vodka
Flip the cushion over… This is important…..if your skid mark is still there scrub it off with the wet panties and leave them on the bathroom floor…
If your skid mark is already gone…put the vodka panties on your head so you can breathe the fumes…crack open a beer and finish the pickles.
Any questions?
Bad Jim

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