February 28, 2009

Old riddle

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 6:27 am

Page 2
RIP Paul Harvey, 1918-2009
And now you know… the rest of the story.

Speaking of old guys: Blame Montana Ave for this old riddle:
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting head from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

Scroll down for answer

Don’t look down!

February 27, 2009

Toby Keith concert

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:10 pm

Biker Mike in Nova Scotia claims:
Saturday night, my wife and I had tickets to the Toby Keith concert. I had bought them for my wife for her birthday. I had sixth row tickets that I paid about $300 for!! I wanted to make a night of it, take her to dinner and then to the concert. Anyway, on our way to the concert we stopped at Tom’s Oyster Bar. I ordered calamari for an appetizer and the Tuna special for dinner. After a great dinner, we headed to the concert. We got there half way through Tracy Lawrence’s set. Being in the sixth row, we had to spend quite a bit of time getting to the seats. All of a sudden, I get a searing pain in my stomach. I think….oh no….this can’t be…..jeeesus…..I may have to take a shi+! I had heard about seafood poisoning before, but I desperately hoped that this was not the case. I calmly tell my wife that I am going to go get us another drink and I may stop by the bathroom. By the time I make it all the way to the concourse, the searing pain is accompanied with searing pressure on my rectum. My stomach is in knots - blub, blurb, gurgle- the pressure is building. I am walking around the concourse desperately looking for a bathroom when I started to get the cold sweats. “What the fcuk, is everyone going to the bathroom!”, I say as I notice that the line for the guys bathroom is loaded with 35-50 drunken cowboys. Fcuk it, I say and get in line. Well, the line moved like a drunken turtle, when I finally got up to the stall the pressure building in my colon was at an all time high. The exit door burst open and two giant fcukers came in saying “these girls have to use the stall!”. Just then my assh0le puckered filling me with courage and I yelled ,” Fcuk you, I have to use that fcuking thing.” The giant in the too tight shirt and jeans yelled back, “you are going to have to wait’. I yelled back, “Fcuk you dude, if I wait any longer, I am going to shi+ on your shoe”. He didn’t say anything. I made a bee line for the stall and got shoved out the exit door. I was too worried at possibly shi++ing my pants, otherwise I may have ran back in there an got my a$$ kicked.

Anyway, back to the story……I hopelessly wandered about looking for a place to drop this load when I saw my salvation in the distance. Like a vision out of the heavens it read……Family Changing Area. I started running for I knew that no families are at the Joe watching Toby Keith and that the family restroom was my only shot at getting rid of the coming thunder in my gut. As I neared my destination, the pressure started to build…….I finally arrived and discovered to my horror that all the fcuking thing had was changing tables!! Nowhere in sight was a place to take a dump. Now, I am legendary for shi++ing and holding shi+s, so calmly, I looked for a new place. However, I had not ever had pressure like this before.

Horrified I started to begin my quest a new, when quite suddenly my assh0le, quite literally exploded! I shi+ my fcuking pants! ……….
Right there… the middle of 5,000 people…….. in the concourse at the fcuking Joe Louis Arena….. I shi+ my fcuking pants!
Shi+ was exploding out of my assh0le filling my pants at an alarming rate, with no sign of stopping. Never in my life had I taken such a big shi+, and this time it was in my fcuking pants!! Not knowing what to do, I looked for somewhere to go to get my head together. I saw a secluded spot behind the Little Ceasers station. I had to do the stiff legged “poop walk” over to this hallway. As I hobbled over, I noticed shi+ starting to seep out of the bottom of my jeans, creating a poop trail to my hiding spot!! Oh, sweet Jesus what do I do? I am at a concert, my wife is all the way in the sixth fcuking row, and I have an assload of shi+ in my jeans!!! To top it off, the nearest bathroom is what seems like miles away!! Just when it can’t get any worse, this beautiful woman sees me bent over with my a$$ against the wall and says “hey what are you doing over there?” Oh dear God, I think, she is coming this way!!!! I look down and see shi+ all over the top of my shoe!! While I was frantically struggling for what to do next, she walks over and says; “Is this some kind of secret bathroom, everyone else is in line out here?”
“Nah, I am waiting for my wife, why do you ask?”, I say trying to sound unconcerned about the giant tub of butt chile in my pants. “Because it kind of smells like pooh over here”, she replies!!!

I wished for my life to end right there.
I had to stand there for twenty minutes waiting for the concert to start before it got clear enough for my to get to the fcuking bathroom!! When I finally got to the stall, I did not know what to do. I took down my pants and was horrified at the shear volume of shi+ in my pants. I had to rip off my underwear like Conan the Barbarian and throw them in the corner. I looked down and discovered that the shi+ had soaked through to my jeans and that I was covered in shi+ from my balls to my ankles!! I sat down to collect my thoughts and promptly slid off the fcuking toilet seat because I had so much shi+ on my a$$! As I lay there in miscellaneous puddles of piss, I wished for my life to end for the second time that night. I stood up and I began to wipe off my butt, thighs and calfs when I noticed shi+ all over my shoe. I took my shoe off. Shi+ was on and in my sock!! I took my sock off. I was now standing naked on one leg with my pants on the floor and a shi+ filled shoe in my hand. All of a sudden ,someone started fcuking banging on the door. “What the hell is going on in there?” someone yells. “Fcuk off assh0le”, I say trying to vent some of my embarrassment as rage. “This is the Detroit Police assh0le, come out or we are coming in!”, came the reply. “Is something wrong, you have been in there for almost an hour!” Dumbstruck I say, “Oh, its o.k. I sat in some shi+ and I am trying to get it off my jeans”. In between howls of laughter from the other drunken patrons of the shi+house came back, “oh don’t worry, take all….the….time….you….need”. I wished for my life to end for the third time that night.
I go back to the task at hand and start scraping the shi+ out of my jeans. Pull, scrape, flush. Pull, scrape, flush. I went through two giant rolls of toilet paper when I discovered that I had run out!! I did not know what to do, or how I was going to get out of here!! I decided to pull up my pants and wrap my sweater around my waist. This left me with only my whitey tighty, but a tight shirt was the least of my worries.

I went to the sink to wash up and headed out. I walked up to the nearest shirt vendor and asked to be given “the biggest fcuking t shirt you have, I don’t care what it says” I happily paid 30 bucks for the “I heart Toby Keith” shirt that the fcuker gave me. I put it on and adjusted my sweater around my waist, ran up to the bar and got my two drinks, and headed back to my wife.

When I finally got back, she said “where the hell have you been? I was worried”. I did not respond. My wife, being filled with Margaritas began to dance to “Who’s your daddy?”. “Dance with me babe”, she says. “Nah, I’m good”, I respond. “Whats the matter” she says as she looks into my eyes. “I just shi+ my pants, babe”, I say struggling to hold on to the last vestiges of my manhood.

“YOU WHAT? …………………….DID YOU WIPE OFF? ………………….WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR?” came the rapid fire questions. “Do I stink?” I say, “Do you think other people can smell me?” She drunkenly says, “No, I don’t think so”. I related the story, and she asked if I wanted to go…..I said “Fcuk no, I paid $300 for these tickets, I am watching this fcuking concert!”

I started to watch the concert and even got into a few songs. Just then I noticed that every time a adjusted a bit, a God-awful smell would come up. I stood there stiff legged for about an hour with shi+ drying in my pants when I noticed this buxom brunette that was sitting in front of me yelling at her husband. She was looking back saying “Did you just fcuking fart?”, she asks. “NO” comes the response. “Why?” “It smells like someone shi+ their fcuking pants!” she says as she waved the offending smell away from her!! ……….Oh for the love of God………My worst fears were confirmed, people around me could smell!!!

Just then one of the two big girls sitting behind my yells, “It smells like a dirty diaper around here!” I wished for my life to end for the fourth and final time that night. After waiting for the proper seconds to tick by, so as not to be connected with the previous comments; I told Jen that we had to leave.

All the way back to the car, I had to walk with shi+ now freezing to my legs. I also had my legs and balls chaffing from the friction of movement. When we finally got to the car, we had to drive all the way home with the windows down. I almost puked from the smell. Forty five humiliating minutes later, I finally arrived at my house!!

I thought you would all appreciate the humor in the situation. Please be advised that it is 100% true and there has been no exaggerations. I will never forget the Toby Keith concert and will never eat at Tom’s Oyster Bar again!! Please feel free to share with your friends so that they don’t have the same experience at Tom’s!!
Un- fcuking -unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 26, 2009

Bad Jim thot you should know

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:43 pm

No Driving Day Per Week by Tail Plate No. of Motor Vehicles in Beijing

Announcement on Rotating No Driving Day Per Week by Tail Plate No. of Motor Vehicles and Relevant Regulations During Tomb Sweeping Day

We hereby announce that, it is decided that, in accordance with the provisions of the Circular of Beijing People’s Government on the Implementation of Traffic Control Measures on regularly rotating No Driving Day on a weekly basis by the tail plate No. of motor vehicles, from March 2 to April 10, 2009, the tail plate No. of the no-driving motor vehicles from Monday through Friday shall be 1 and 6, 2 and 7, 3 and 8, 4 and 9, 5 and 0, respectively (including temporary plate numbers; provided the plate number of any motor vehicle ends with an English alphabet, such an alphabet shall be treated as 0).

According to the Notice of the General Office of the State Council on the Schedule for Part of Holidays in 2009, during the Tomb-sweeping Day from April 4, 2009 (Saturday) to April 6, 2009 (Monday), 3 days in total, no motor vehicle shall be restricted by the regulations of no-driving day by tail plate numbers, provided in the Circular of the Beijing Municipal People’s Government on the Implementation of Traffic Control Measures.

You’re welcome!!

February 25, 2009

Link of the Week - Silly names

Filed under: Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 9:42 pm

Compliments of Chriss in Dubai:

February 23, 2009

Mardi Gras quips

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 6:43 pm

“Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up.” –Bill Maher

“This Mardi Gras will be a little different. This year when drunks yell up at the balcony, ‘Show us your boobs!’ Michael Brown and Michael Chertoff walk out.” –Bill Maher

“Mardi Gras is going on in New Orleans. Actually it’s scaled down quite a bit. Now when you throw a bead, women only flash one boob.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday.” –Jay Leno

February 22, 2009

Rampant philosophy

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 10:30 pm

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It is not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

February 21, 2009


Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:11 pm

Posted by Steve P. in Pearland, Texas:
Two Norwegians are drinking at Lena’s Bar in Bemidji, Minnesota.

Ole says, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“Shoot!” says Sven, “I yust joined The Elks Lodge.”

Next Page »