November 30, 2008

Ugandan men warned of ‘booby trap’

Filed under: Groaners, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:22 pm

Compliments of Pope Barefoot Bob of Houston who also sent along this poem of sorts:
Breast beware.
T!ts is something to look out for.
BOOB! … did I scare you?
Chest letting you know.
Glands I could help.
Keep this in your mammary banks.
This girl’s busted.
Udderly brazen.
Nipped that in the bud…

I think I’m done now…

Ugandan men warned of ‘booby trap’
KAMPALA (AFP) Uganda’s police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

“They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP.

“You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.”

Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter.

“She is a very dangerous lady,” the official said.

November 27, 2008

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:40 pm

Bad Jim pulled this one from the archives. Happy Thanksgiving!
Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

November 26, 2008

Give me six double vodkas

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:28 pm

An oldie from our friend Sandy Sparky Steve in Saudi:
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

November 25, 2008

Historic event

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:52 pm

According to Sagging Tray George in Montana:
Bad Jim, “A Historic Event,” that’s all I keep hearing.
I don’t see what the BIG deal is!
It happens every day. When January 20, 2009 rolls around, it’ll just be another black family moving into government housing.

More Palin humor

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:45 pm

Blame Humanoid Sean in Houston for this one! Oh yeah, this one limbos waay beneath Bad Jim’s low low stanbdards.

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarded thing has come out her vagina.

November 24, 2008

In the News

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:30 am

Injuneer Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ found this one:
Carjacking suspect clubbed with frozen turkey
Nov. 24, 2008 11:41 AM
Associated Press
RALEIGH, N.C. - This takes turkey club to new heights.

Authorities said a good Samaritan used a frozen turkey to attack a man as he tried to carjack a woman at a North Carolina grocery story Sunday morning.

Police said 30-year-old Fred Louis Ervin of Raleigh stole money from a Garner BP gas station before running across the street to a Harris Teeter in Fuquay-Varina. There, he began beating Irene Moorman Bailey while trying to take her car. Other shoppers came to the woman’s rescue, including one who hit Ervin with a frozen turkey.

Ervin managed to get away in Bailey’s car, but was arrested a short time later.

He faces several charges including assault inflicting serious injury, larceny and hit and run. He was being treated at WakeMed Raleigh Campus.

November 23, 2008

Quote of the Day

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 3:34 am

From Elephant Ass in Tianjin:
Quote of the day from a fund manager:
‘This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..’

The bailout, a different perspective:
Back in 1990, the US Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn’t make money running a whore house and selling booze?

Next Page »