Badjim.com

October 31, 2008

‘THE’ Halloween joke

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:24 pm

Happy Halloween!
And you know what that means! Time for THE annual Halloween joke!
Don’t say you weren’t warned!

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears:

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP! behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.

faster

faster

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping:

clappity

clappity

clappity

clappity! on the heels of the terrified man

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him..

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything! His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough medicine.

Desperate, he throws the bottle as hard as he can at the apparition,

and . . .

the coffin stops!

October 29, 2008

Recycled Halloween Humor

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:38 pm

Here’s a few Halloween jokes recycled from years past:

This one from Fruit Fun Al in Hawaii and Whiner Glen in Michigan:
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and
I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.’

- - -

Bad Jim thinks Queen Eddaline posted this one several years ago but he’s too lazy to look it up:
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, “What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.”

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, “What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!”

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2×4 The husband yells at the wife, “What the hell are these for?”

The wife yells back, “Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don’t like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don’t like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!”

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An old Cajun joke. Coonass Kim sent us a couple years ago:
This happened last Halloween just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly, and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It moved slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad, the jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward, and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve, and still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road into the bayou, and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared near to death, had all that he could take and jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar, and with voice quavering, ordered 2 shots of whiskey and told everyone about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps as they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later, two guys walked in to the bar, and one says to the other, “Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin in dah rain.”

Halloween party

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:33 am

RIP: Levi Stubbles, 1936 –2008, aka, Levi Stubbs.
“It’s the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone”

Guess it’s time to recycle some old Halloween jokes as nothing new has showed up on Bad Jim’s radar:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

October 28, 2008

Man’s arm trapped in train toilet

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 12:40 am

Thank Hugh Jass in the Rocket City for this one.
[Note from Bad Jim: Sorta reminded me of this picture: http://www.badjim.com/Gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=852 ]

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system.

The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train’s pipework.

The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

“He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off,” said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man’s plight.

October 27, 2008

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 12:43 am

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed: “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

October 26, 2008

White lie

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:22 pm

Steve P. in Pearland, Texas writes:
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She thought, ‘Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.’

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked
it in and covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
cake had already been sold.

She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Birmingham but, having already RSVP’d, she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust old
South and, to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, ‘What a beautiful cake!’

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, ‘Thank you, I baked it myself.’

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good!”

October 24, 2008

Guess who is due

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 12:27 am

I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking. This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out. Please don’t think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is due in 2 months????????????

Santa Claus

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