September 30, 2008

In the News - Frat vomit

Filed under: Back to School, Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:15 am

From Bad Jim’s ASU classmate Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, Arizona:

Vomit from ASU frat members may have caused crash

Eight to 10 members of an Arizona State University fraternity are believed to have caused a car accident by vomiting milk onto traffic below an ASU footbridge on University Drive Tuesday night.

The incident caused a woman to rear-end another vehicle at about 6 p.m. after that vehicle stopped to avoid the vomit, according to Sgt. Scott Smith a spokesman for the Tempe Police Department.

The woman and her young daughter suffered minor injuries. The woman was cited for the accident, according to Smith.

It is unknown why the men were drinking and vomiting the milk.

The name of the fraternity could not be confirmed but it is being placed on secession, which prohibits them from participating in Greek and university activities, according to Matt Hunt a coordinator with fraternity and sorority life at ASU.

September 29, 2008

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 12:38 pm

Compliments of MBlack in Southsire Place, Texas:
According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
9,000 people are screwing right now,
2,000 are kissing.
100 are getting head, and
1 lonely sucker is reading emails.

September 23, 2008

Welcome to autumn

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 12:41 pm

Bad Jim on the road is coming to you from Times Square today.
Here’s the only Fall joke Bad Jim knows:
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”

The husband replies: “Autumn.”

September 22, 2008

In the News - Ice Cream Request

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:57 pm

And they thought that the Colonel had something hidden in one or more of those KFC special herbs and spices…look what you can get at Baskin-Robbins…
Sugarland, TX

This Month’s winner of Bad Jim’s “Brains fer Chrismiss” Award:
Ice Cream Request Adds To Driver’s Legal Trouble
A hungry driver got more than he bargained for from the Richmond Police Department on Sunday night, after a request for ice cream turned into a potential jail sentence.

It started at 10:08 p.m. on Sunday, according to police reports. Richmond Police Officer David Bentley stopped the driver of a green Mercury Villager in the Wharton County Technical Center parking lot off F.M. 1640, after observing the driver commit a traffic violation.

Identifying the driver as Oscar Martinez, 41, of Richmond, Officer Bentley then had a Richmond police dispatcher run Martinez’s name through the police computer. He learned Martinez was driving on a suspended license, and had an outstanding Richmond traffic warrant.

As Bentley prepared to arrest the man for the violations, “Martinez advised Bentley he wished he could have eaten the banana split he just bought,” police reports said.

Officer Bentley placed Martinez in a police cruiser and then checked Martinez’s vehicle, where he discovered a melted banana split sitting on the front floorboard.

“Upon investigation, Bentley observed an unusual topping on the banana split,” police reports stated. “Martinez tried to hide two rocks of crack cocaine in the banana split before he was stopped.”

Martinez was then arrested and charged on the outstanding traffic warrant, and with driving with a suspended license and possession of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone.

Martinez was transported to the Fort Bend County Jail. Apparently the banana split was held for evidence.

September 21, 2008

Oh, Groan! Britain’s Worst Joke Is…

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 6:51 pm

Compliments of Pope Barefoot Bob in the Rocket City!
“I could tell it had been raining cats and dogs…I just stepped in a poodle!” Ha ha. London’s Daily Star recently held a contest called Britain’s Worst Joke Competition, and that was the winner. So to speak. The contest was held to celebrate the return of “The Muppet Show” to British TV, so naturally the winning gag was chosen by none other than Fozzie Bear.
Your kids aren’t the only ones who like potty humor. That’s the topic of the world’s oldest joke–dating from 1900 B.C.

Here are the 10 runners-up…if you can stand it:
Police arrested two kids yesterday–one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

Doctor: Hi there, how can I help you today?
Patient: I think I’m a moth.
Doctor: You don’t need to see a doctor, you need to see a psychiatrist!
Patient: I know, but I was passing and your light was on.

Q: Why don’t penguins fly?
A: Because they can’t afford plane tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”

This is LOL funny! First-graders offer advice to incoming kindergartners, including how to make friends.

Q: What do you call a woman who sets fire to her gas bill?
A: Bernadette.

Q: Did you hear about the cocaine addict who snorted curry powder by accident?
A: He went into a korma.

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: Carrot!

Click here to view a hilarious photo gallery of the wackiest road signs in the U.S.A. Have a long commute? No. 9 will really crack you up.

Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it, man.

Q: How do archeologists tell the sex of the skeletons they dig up?
A: All the women have their mouths open.

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they all use honeycombs.

September 19, 2008

Latest in emoticons

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:36 pm

RIP: Big Al 1951-2008, charter (almost) member of Jim’s Bad Jokelist.
aka: Beijing Al, Dumas Al, A Big Boy, and a few others thru the years.
When Al first found out he probably wouldn’t survive his cancer treatments, he told Bad Jim he wanted an RIP spot on the Jokelist. Ya gotta love that! Al was a great source of political humor as long as it made fun of anyone he labeled as*Liberals!* (basically anyone left of Genghis Khan). Adios Al. Go SMU Mustangs!

This is s repeat post, but Bad Jim thinks it’s funny!
Rigger Robert in Alaska:

Latest in *emoticons*

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

September 18, 2008

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - feedback

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 8:19 pm

Re: Actual SMS conversation
Ah yes a chip off the ole block
Steve P.

Well, fine for you, sissy boy. You call yourself a Texan/Houstonian, but when the going gets a little tough, where are you? Scuttling off to c0mmmy Land to hang with people who make you feel tall? Couldn’t stand a little Texas-sized rainstorm, eh?
Hugh Jass

Tell Zack we have had power since Sunday PM…. he can store his beer on the second shelf of our refrigerator if he wants…. or come by and borrow my generator!
MWK Mike

I don’t get it….I spend most of my time looking for beer…what’s unusual bout that?
Injun Joe

Re: Problem name
How’s the veal?
Barefoot Bob

Re: Senior moments

When I was at college an old trainer related a story about the early 60’s when electricity first came to the mining towns around Durham in the North of England. The government ran power to all the little houses and put an outlet in the living room, kitchen and bedroom. the people were then given a 50 pound voucher to spend on an electrical appliance. One old Dear having purchased a table lamp came back to the electricity board the next day and asked for two more plugs, “You already have one on the lamp” said the staff,
“Yes, but I want to plug them into the other two sockets, I am not paying you lot for electricity that’s leaking out them big holes all day long!”
Da Mui Gua

Re: Horse massage, it’s my passion
I dont want to even think about the happy ending on that one………..
Injun Joe

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