August 30, 2008

A week of personal training

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:47 pm

This from Whiner Glen, The Big Football Contest Operator In Michigan:
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess — with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the @*!@ would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year, my wife (the Witch); will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

August 29, 2008

Breaking wind joke is world’s oldest: study

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:23 am

Sent to us by Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:
LONNDON (AFP) - A gag about breaking wind which had people laughing 4,000 years ago is the world’s oldest joke, according to a survey released on Friday.

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap,” goes the joke dating from 1900 BC which originated in what is now southern Iraq.

The top 10 of oldest jokes compiled by academics, features randy pharaohs, dead donkeys and ox drivers.

Paul McDonald, from the University of Wolverhampton in central England, who led the study, said: “Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format, while others are witty proverbs or riddles.

“What they all share, however, is willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion.”

The study defined a joke as having a clear set-up and punchline, a tradition which was traced back to 1900 BC.

And it appears that some things never change. Egyptian pharaohs were just as likely to be the butt of humour thousands of years ago as world leaders are today, according to one joke from 1600 BC.

“How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? Sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile — and urge the pharaoh to go fishing.”

The oldest British joke is a bawdy gag from the 10th century which employs the traditional question and answer format.

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key

August 27, 2008

Life is too short not to live it as a Texan

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 7:15 pm

Bad Jim is pretty sure this is bullsh!t, but he likes the conundrum posed by the judge in this story.
TEXAS Bar Sues Church
In a small Texas town (Mt. Vernon), Drummond’s bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.”

August 26, 2008

Distraught senior citizen

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:02 pm

A distraught senior citizen phoned her Doctor”s” office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,” I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked “NO REFILLS”.”

August 24, 2008

Horse massage - it’s my passion

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:07 pm

Blame Pope Barefoot Bob for pointing this one out to Bad Jim:
Woman Sues for Right to Massage Horses
DAMASCUS, Md. (Aug. 11) - Mercedes Clemens is certified to massage humans, but she claims the state of Maryland is keeping her from her first love: Massaging horses.
She shut down her equine massage practice in a Washington suburb after state officials told her state law only allows veterinarians to perform such services.

Now she’s suing two state agencies, saying regulators are unfairly barring registered massage therapists who want to practice on animals.
Animal massage regulations vary from state to state, with some allowing only veterinarians to practice. Clemens’ case is being closely watched by those in the animal massage industry, who say business has grown steadily along with interest in other alternative treatments and pampering for pets.
Equinology, Inc., a Gualala, Calif.-based massage school, says when it began operating about 15 years ago, a couple hundred people took its horse massage therapy courses. Now, almost 900 sign up each year. Company vice president Paul Hougard said there were just a few schools when his company started but estimates there are now about 50 across the country.
The National Board of Certification for Animal Acupressure and Massage plans to start an online exam next month to create credential standards. Among other things, it will test massage techniques, anatomy, ethics and animal behavior.
A self-described horse fanatic, Clemens, 40, got private animal massage certification about two years ago and started practicing on horses, eventually growing her business to about 30 regular horse clients. She likes to help soothe the animals and work through their sore and tight muscles.
Now she works only on her own horse, Chanty.
“This isn’t just a career for me, it’s my passion,” Clemens said. “If I was independently wealthy and I didn’t need an income, I would do this for nothing. That’s how much I love it.”

August 22, 2008

Join our boycott

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 9:24 pm

Join me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch as they’ve sold out to foreigners.
Drop your beer off at my house and I’ll dispose of it.
We’ll teach those ba5tards!
Southside Place, Texas, USA

August 21, 2008

Olympic humor

Filed under: Bad Lists, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 10:11 pm

Here’s an oldie that’s been resurrected by Windflower in Tainjin, China. Seemed appropriate for the current Olympics fever.
Top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: ‘This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.’
2. Dressage commentator: ‘This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.’
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.’
4. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’
5. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.’
6. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’
7.At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’
8.Soccer commentator: ‘Julian D icks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven D icks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”

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