Badjim.com

June 30, 2008

Quote for the day

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:01 pm

So simple, yet so profound, compliments of Montana Ave:
Reportedly said by Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:
‘I have outlived my dick.’

June 29, 2008

Zebra

Filed under: Bad Religon, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 6:52 pm

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do y ou know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’

June 27, 2008

Boudreaux in Charge of the Clinic

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 10:11 pm

From, who else, Coonass Kim
A doctor in Thibodaux , Louisiana wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant, ‘Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,’ he says.

‘I want you to take care of the clinic and all my patients.’

‘Yes, sir!’ answers Boudreaux.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, ‘So, Boudreaux, how was your day?’

Boudreaux tells him that he took care of three patients ‘The first one had a headache, so I give him da Tylenol.’

‘Bravo, Boudreaux - and the second one?’ asks the doctor.

‘The second one had da stomach burning and I gave da Maalox’, says Boudreaux.

‘Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this. And what about the third one?’

‘Sir, I was sittin’ here and all of a sudden da door opens and a woman comes a runnin’ into da room quick as a wink she tears her clothes off, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and she laid down on da table. She spreads her legs and shouts,
‘Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!’

‘Thunderin’ Heavens, Boudreaux, what did you do?’

‘…. Mais, I put drops in her eyes

June 26, 2008

The TALK….

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 1:07 am

You can see where this one’s going long before the punch line – but it’s still funny. From Rigger Robert:
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh!t?”

June 24, 2008

7 words

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:51 pm

RIP: George Carlin, Counter-culture comedian. 1937-2008
Here’s one of his most famous routines compliments of Trojan Sandy in Valparaiso, IN:
I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them. There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words. There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They’d have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you 7, Bad Words. That’s what they told us they were, remember?
“That’s a bad word!” No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words. You know the 7, don’t you that you can’t say on television? “Sh!t, P!ss, Fcuk, Cnut, CockScuker, MotherFcuker, and T!ts” Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that’ll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. “Sh!t, P!ss, Fcuk, Cnut, CockScuker, MotherFcuker, and T!ts” Wow! …and T!ts doesn’t even belong on the list. That is such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, T!ts, come here, man. Hey T!ts, meet Toots. Toots, T!ts. T!ts, Toots.” It sounds like a snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don’t mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco T!ts!, and new Cheese T!ts, Corn T!ts, Pizza T!ts, Sesame T!ts, Onion T!ts, Tater T!ts. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One.” That’s true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list.
Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I’m not completely insensitive to people’s feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like CockScuker and MotherFcuker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. I mean, they’re just busy words. There’s a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds. They just jump out at you like “coCKScuker, motherFcuker. coCKScuker, motherFcuker.” It’s like an assualt on you. We mentioned Sh!t earlier, and 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are P!ss and Cnut, which go together of course. A little accidental humor there. The reason that P!ss and Cnut are on the list is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said “Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I don’t mind Fcuk and Sh!t but ‘P’ and ‘C’ are out.”, which led to such stupid sentences as “Okay you Fcukers, I’m going to tinckle now.”
And, of course, the word Fcuk. I don’t really, well that’s more accidental humor, I don’t wanna get into that now because I think it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fcuk is a very important word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said, “I’d rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I’d like to substitute the word Fcuk for the word Kill in all of those movie clichés we grew up with. “Okay, Sherrif, we’re gonna Fcuk you now, but we’re gonna Fcuk you slow.” So maybe next year I’ll have a whole Fcukin’ ramp on the N word. I hope so.
Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They’re out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? “…And the cock CROWED 3 times” “Hey, the cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it’s in the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for Kirk Youdi to say “Roberto Clamenti has 2 balls on him.”, but he can’t say “I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don’t you? He’s holding them. He must’ve hurt them, by God.” and the other 2-way word that goes with that one is Prik. It’s okay if it happens to your finger. You can prik your finger but don’t finger your prik. No,no.

June 23, 2008

MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:18 pm

From Terry Takahashi in Corpus:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: “I’m sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said: “I’ll tell you, but first you’ll tell me what you think.”

One of the students said: “I think it’s Petry Syndrome.”

The old man said: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

Then the other student said: “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

So they asked him: “Well, what do you have?”

And the old man said: “I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong.”

June 22, 2008

Wasp sting

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:18 pm

A Canadian went to the clinic and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, eh, do yah got anything for it?”
The nurse replied, “Whereabout’s is it?”
“I don’t know, it’ll be fcuking miles away by now.”

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