Badjim.com

May 29, 2008

Cowboy Chili

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 8:44 pm

From Uncle Randy in Chitown:
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of warm chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’

May 27, 2008

Coffee & Viagra - Warning

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 2:17 pm

Very old joke with a great Canadian twist from Rigger Robert
Newfoundland woman ‘of certain age’, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s sex drive.
‘What about trying Viagra?’, asks the doctor.
Oh, no, doctor, I couldn’t do dat,’ she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went’
It wasn’t a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!
With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn’t he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!’
‘Why so terrible?’, asked the doctor. ‘Do you meanthe sex was not good?’
‘No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, ’twas the best sex I had in 25 years. …………. But, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s ever again!’

May 21, 2008

Mom stuff

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 7:28 pm

A bit too cute for Bad Jim’s jokelist, but he meant to send this out on Mother’s Day. From Mom:
When I’m an old lady I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed oh, they’ll be so excited!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids).

I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I’ll bounce on the furniture….wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done, I’ll hide under the bed!
(When I’m and old lady and live with my kids).

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run .. if I’m able!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids).

I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud til the end of the day!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids).

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank god in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “she’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

God bless all mom’s and grandmas everywhere

May 20, 2008

Poison

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 7:59 pm

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said “yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

May 19, 2008

Groan!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 7:26 pm

OMFG — all the bars in China have been ordered closed by the government for the next 3 days!
Some more of the puns The Pamster in Sntsdale, Arizona sent bad Jim some time ago:

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

*In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

May 18, 2008

Lonely brain cell

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 2:15 am

Blame Coonass Kim in Channelview, Texas for this!
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. ‘Hello?’ she cried, but no answer.

‘Is there anyone here?” She cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared.

So she yelled at the top of her voice, ‘HELLO IS THERE ANYONE HERE?’

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away…. ‘We’re down here ..’

May 16, 2008

Byrus Warning

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bad Jim @ 8:54 pm

Political incorrectness at it’s finest!
From Pearland Steve in Texas.
Buenos dias!
Jou habe yust receibed a Mehican byrus.
Sin we habe no good techniologically adbance in Mehico, dees is a manual byrus. Pleese delete all jour files on jour hardt-dribe jourself and send thees e-mail to eberyone jou know.
Tank jou for halping me.
Julio Manuel Jose Felipe Gonzalo Jorge Rodriguez-Jones (Mehican hacker)

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