April 30, 2008

Hearing aids

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 9:57 pm

Since Bad Jim is now the proud owner of some fancy high-tech hearing aids – this old joke came to mind:
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, “I just had a silent faart…what do you think I should do?”

The husband replies: “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Stanley Cup Meal Actually Observed in Calgary Tonight

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 12:13 am

Stanley Cup Meal Actually Observed in Calgary Tonight
28 ounce Rare Prime Rib 3 inches thick, 8 inches around with half inch of fat on the edge
Two cups Au Jus
Plate of French Fries
Two cups Ketchup
Two cups cold slaw
Three Buttered Rolls
Four Canadian Lagers
Eighteen minutes start to finish
Rockin Dave

Dear Dave,
No donuts from Tim’s? And what about the back bacon?
Shots of Canadian rye?
Why aren’t u at home in NYC watching the Rangers in person?
Take off you hoser!

April 29, 2008

how to tell you are married

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:07 pm

Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi in Corpus Christi claims that this is how to tell you are married
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my life. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office andI was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Batman?”

April 28, 2008

Medical Distinction

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:54 pm

An oldie from Rigger Robert:
Medical Distinction

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You’re next, fatass.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

April 24, 2008

Hard Cash

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:25 pm

Welcome Ed S. to Jm’s Bad Jokelist! Where you from Ed?
From Sparky Sandy Steve, now coming to us from Bahrain!
Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters.

Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can. People stood face-to-face, back-to-back.

A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation.

As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, “Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay. Today they only paid us hard cash!”

“I don’t mind your hard cash,” replied the woman, “but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?”

April 23, 2008


Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 7:41 pm

Dear Bad Jim
Today I stuck my hand into the garbage can and pulled a beer cap out and to put it in the recycle can. I got some apple sauce on my finger, but other than that it was an effortless and earth saving activity. What did you do for Earth Day?
Rockin Dave

Dear Dave,
I spent the entire day praying that Sen. McCain would eke out a victory in the Pennsylvania Primary. Did he win? CNN has been blocked
in China for several days now. Something about protests in Tibet. Is that anywhere near Texarkana?

- - - -

Sorry – I’m a bit late sending these out:

Re: Spitzer scandal

Dear Bad Jim,
I think the most stupid thing Gov Spitzer did was to pay $4000 a night. Just think what he could have bought in China or SE Asia for that!
Injun Joe

Injun Joe
He’s obviously a “true” American and doesn’t want to send any more jobs overseas!
This all goes to show: If you have gay sex in a men’s room you can keep your job as Senator, but if you hire a high class hooker — you’re out as Guv!
Bad Jim

Re: Gilligan’s Mary Ann getting caught with pot.

Bad Jim,
Many’s the time I thought of Mary Ann and 69 in the same sentence - but never for her #%$&%#!! age!
Montana Ave

Good excuses for someone who is supposedly drunk!
Uncle Randy

I guess she got hooked from all that wild weed growing on Gilligan’s Island, eh???
Terry ‘Welders do it with hotter rods’ Takahashi
Corpus Christi, TX

Channelview conversations

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Clean — Bad Jim @ 2:40 am

Actual conversations . . . heard by Coonass Kim in Channelview, Texas:

“Cowboys sure Love fat calves”

“Good Cowgirls keep their calves together”

Also, the True Meaning of Love is the Earnest Tubb song, “I’d Waltz Across Texas”…
“Just how much in Love was he to want to waltz across this State! If you have not made the run from Houston to Fort Stockton you just would not understand…”

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