Badjim.com

March 31, 2008

April Fool - Top 10 oldest and lamest pranks

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 4:00 pm

Here are the the Top 10 oldest and lamest pranks (attempt them and subject yourself to ridicule):

• Glue a quarter on the floor.

• Tie someone’s shoelaces together.

• Turn on and crank up your mom’s car radio, wipers and heat.

• Set all clocks an hour ahead.

• Put a rubber band on the sink sprayer.

• Replace Oreo filling with toothpaste.

• Remove the labels on all the canned goods in the house.

• Make some pinholes in a plastic cup.

• Sew the legs of someone’s jeans shut.

• The evil troika: doggy doo-doo, a paper bag and matches.

March 29, 2008

Link of the Month

Filed under: Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 6:31 am

http://www.tothepointnews.com/content/view/3114/85/

March 24, 2008

Good groaners to share with the kids

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:27 pm

*Love that chicken from Popeye’s!*
RIP: Al Copeland, 1946-2008, flamboyant New Orleanian and founder of Popeye’s Fried Chicken

Happy Dyngus Day to all you Pollocks! (Mar 24)

From Mom – here’s some good groaners to share with the kids.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead - Go Slow.”

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using the tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile?”
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen…Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right…I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

March 23, 2008

A big thank you and some Zappa quotes

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap, Personal — Bad Jim @ 6:54 pm

A big Bad Jim thanks goes out to Carolyn (formerly Cracker Carolyn) in Texas, Da Mui Gua in Dubai, Jim P. in London, Rich K in Beijing and Sagging Tray George in Montana for making contributions to Wackozacko’s MS 150 ride. Zack has raised $1250 for the National MS Society so far and hopes more contributions are on the way!

And now a few of Bad Jim’s favorite Frank Zappa quotes:
“The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.”

“The first thing you have to do if you want to raise nice kids, is you have to talk to them like they are people instead of talking to them like they’re property”

“May your sh!t come to life and kiss you on the face.”
Source: Frank Zappa, to Mrs. Gore about parental advisory labels on album covers 1985

“A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.”

“Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.”
Source: “Be-Bop Tango”

“Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.”

“Remember there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.”
Source: “Heavenly Bank Account”

March 21, 2008

Redneck pick up lines

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:10 pm

RIP: Arthur C. Clark, Science fiction visionary, 1917-2008
HAL: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. (2001: A Space Odyssey)

I’m sure Coonass Kim has used a few of these lines while he’s been workin’ in Texas
1) Did you fart?
Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I’d like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

8) Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I know I’m no t no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.

And…. The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Plea

Filed under: Personal — Bad Jim @ 12:38 am

From Bad Jim’s son Wackozacko. Several of you have already donated. If this is the case, please disregard Bad Jim’s unabashed plea for money!

I am riding the Houston to Austin MS150 again this year. This year I have given myself a sponsorship goal of $1000. I, as always, began my fund raising efforts with a $100 pledge myself. Last year, 13,000 cyclists raised $12.3 million to help the 17,000 Texans affected by multiple sclerosis. Researchers are making progress, but the cause and cure are still over the horizon.

How can you sponsor me on my MS150 ride?

Donations can also be made through the Lone Star Chapter’s website. The address for my pledge page is: http://www.ms150.org/ms150/donate/donate.cfm?id=216695

All donations made are 100% tax deductible as the MS society is an IRS registered 501(c)3 charitable organization. Receipts will be provided for all donations over $250. For donations smaller than $250, a copy of the check or credit card statement is sufficient evidence for IRS purposes.

Your sponsorship of my 180- mile, two- day bike ride is greatly appreciated by not only myself but the 17,000 people in Texas and 2 million people nation-wide affected by multiple sclerosis. For more information about the Houston to Austin MS150 and the MS Society please visit the Lone Star Chapter’s website: www.ms150.org

Sincerely,
Zack Harper

March 20, 2008

Quickest way

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 10:37 pm

According to Coonass Kim:
Some of you may not know where Ville Platte is, but it is in South Louisiana.

A man approached Boudreaux when he was visiting in Mamou.

“Excuse me, sir, Can you tell me the quickest way to get to Ville Platte?”

Boudreaux scratched his head, “Are you walkin’ or drivin’?” he asked the stranger.

“I’m driving.”

“Dat’s the quickest way!”

Next Page »