February 29, 2008

Actual conversation heard on the streets of Tanggu, China

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Clean — Bad Jim @ 8:41 pm

It’s february 29th - Go take a Leap!

Actual conversation heard on the streets of Tanggu, China:

Bad Jim is sitting in the Crossroads to the World Pub with a pair of geeeeeen-uuuuuuuu-ine Texas cowboy boots on his size 11 plates.
One foot is up on the foot rail.

Jing (Pointing to the boots): I like you shooooes!
Bad Jim: Xie xie Jing. They call these cowboys boots in Texas.
(Jing reaches down and pulls up the leg of Bad Jim’s jeans to expose the top of one boot.)
Jing: Ohhhhhhh. I see. They are booooz.
Jing (in an earnest but whimsically sweet voice): These are for mens?

February 28, 2008

In the news - Dumb as bricks!

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:30 pm

Oh yeah! From Injuneer Joe in Arizona:
Hapless robbers target biker meeting
Two masked, machete-wielding robbers burst into club and empty cash registers
By CNN’s Saeed Ahmed
(CNN) — Two masked and machete-wielding men who barged into a club in Sydney, Australia, couldn’t have picked a worse night for their robbery — a monthly meeting of bikers.

The robbers chose the wrong night to burst into the club where the Southern Cross Cruiser Club have their monthly meeting.

About 50 burly bikers fought back with tables and chairs — pretty much anything that wasn’t bolted down. One would-be robber was tied up; the other in the hospital.

Police arrested both.

“These guys were absolutely dumb as bricks,” Jerry Vancornewal, leader of the bikers, told CNN Thursday. “I can’t believe they saw all the bikes parked up front and they were so stupid that they walked past in.”

Vancornewal and his buddies were at the Regents Park Sporting and Community Club in Sydney when the two men wearing ski masks stormed in Wednesday night. They yelled at patrons to drop to the floor as they emptied cash registers at the bar.

Hearing the commotion from an adjacent room, Vancornewal and his pals with the Southern Cross Cruiser motorcycle club stomped through to the bar area to intervene.

“They (the robbers) thought they had the upper advantage with their knives and their machetes,” Jim Webb, night supervisor of the club, told CNN. “They didn’t expect to run into a bunch of guys carrying chairs and tables.”

One of the would-be robbers crashed through a plate-glass door and jumped off a balcony.
“All he had to do was push the button and it automatically opened,” Webb quipped.

New South Wales police said they arrested the 20-year-old man a short distance away.

The second man made a break for it through the club’s service entrance, but the bikers tackled him near a neighbor’s fence.

“We just grabbed him, crash-tackled him to the ground, hogtied him with electrical wire and left him for the cops,” Vancornewal said.

Police confirmed in a statement that club patrons subdued the second man until officers arrived, but did not provide additional details. The suspect turned out to be a 16-year-old boy.

Both would-be robbers were charged with attempted armed robbery and “face disguised with intent to commit indictable offense,” police said.

A third person, who was waiting in a getaway car, took off when the bikers threw pieces of furniture at him, Webb said. Police have not located him.

The Regents Park Sporting and Community Club is a place where locals come to enjoy drinks and take part in various games: cricket, soccer, lawn bowling. The biking enthusiasts meet there once a month to plan rides and other club activities.

In the last year or so, criminals have struck the club about 10 times, Webb said. And Wednesday night’s incident, while unusual, wasn’t the most memorable.

“We have these old bingo players and they are really serious about their games,” Webb explained. “They do not like to be interrupted.”

When robbers barged in one evening and announced that they were holding up the place, the players turned around and testily told them to be quiet.

“They were making it difficult for the players to hear the numbers being called,” Webb said.

You just might be from Chicago:

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:22 am

from Darrel in DeMotte, Indiana:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Chicago

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago.

If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago

If you have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago

If you find 10 degrees “a little chilly”, you live in Chicago

February 27, 2008

Blonde fax

Filed under: Bad Blondes, Clean — Bad Jim @ 2:01 am

A man in an office sees a blonde next to a fax machine crying her eyes out. He asks her what’s wrong.
“It’s this machine! I can’t get it to send a fax!”
The man shows her how to do and the piece of paper goes through the machine, at this the blonde sobs loudly again and says, “But it’s still here!”

February 26, 2008

In the news – Obviously another one of those darn strict-constructionist conservative Republican judges

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Law, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:06 am

Thanks to MBlack in Southside Place, TX for this little diddy.
Arrested judge wore dress, women’s hosiery
The Union Leader
updated 3:57 p.m. ET Feb. 15, 2008
MANCHESTER - A Boston-based federal judge wore a black cocktail dress, fish-net stockings and high heels when police arrested him for drunk driving after he rear-ended a pickup truck last week, sources said. U.S. Bankruptcy Court Judge Robert Somma, 63, struck a plea deal with the city Wednesday in which he pleaded no contest to a first-offense misdemeanor driving while intoxicated charge in Manchester District Court. In exchange, the judge agreed to pay $600 in fines and penalties and a 12-month license suspension, which can be reduced to six months if he proves he successfully, completed a driver education and alcohol awareness course, court records show.

The arresting officer made no mention of the judge’s attire in the written report police provided to the media other than to note the judge “had a difficult time locating his license in his purse.”

Two sources confirmed Somma was wearing a cocktail dress, women’s hose and high heels when his Mercedes-Benz E320 sedan struck a pickup truck stopped at a red light on Elm Street about 11:29 p.m. on Feb. 6.

“He told police his wife was out of town … so he decided to come up to Manchester where no one would know him,” said a city government official speaking on condition of anonymity. The official said he was told of the incident by a top police administrator during a briefing session.
Somma, who lives in Newbury, Mass., had a hard time keeping his balance, smelled of alcohol and slurred his speech, the police report shows. He failed the field sobriety test and took a breath test at the station that registered a blood alcohol level of .12, according to the police report.
The judge told police he had been at the Breezeway Pub at 14 Pearl St. where he had two gin and tonics about two hours earlier, the police report shows.
Ronald K. Forest of Weare, who was driving the pickup Somma struck, declined comment. While police said no one was hurt in the collision, Forest said he and his passenger sought medical help the next day.

Somma was appointed a First Circuit Court bankruptcy judge in 2004.

February 24, 2008

Just remember; He Aint A Cowboy til Ya See Him Ride!

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 10:38 pm

Coonass Kim claims:
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, ‘We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.’

The clerk winked, ‘You want the ‘Bridal?’

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, ‘Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.’

February 23, 2008

In the News

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 12:19 am

What are you doing here? - man asks wife at brothel
Wed Jan 9, 11:10 AM ET
WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

“I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” the husband told the newspaper Wednesday.

The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.

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