December 30, 2007

Rig Hard Hats

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:10 am

A little oil field humor from Coonass Kim in Corpus:
After a bad blowout three oilfield workers are walking around the rig site; a Toolpusher, a Company man, and a Driller . As they’re walking along the edge of the pad, they see a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigate, they find the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing must have been blown off her body by an explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately takes off his hardhat and places it over her left breast. Quickly following suit, the Driller hand takes off his hardhat and places it over her right breast.

They look at the Company man. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man places his hardhat over the young woman’s private parts.

The OIM quickly comes over to check the body. He lifts the Toolpusher’s hardhat and then puts it back down and hastily scribbles some notes on his report. Then he lifts the Driller’s hardhat and puts it back down and takes some more notes. Finally he lifts the Company man’s hardhat and sets it back down.

Hesitating, he bends back over, lifts it up and looks again, then sets it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looks a third time underneath the Company man’s hardhat. Annoyed, the Company man asks him ‘what’s wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?’

‘Well,’ said the OIM, ‘I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man’s hat… you find an a$$hole.’

December 29, 2007

In the News — Santa in G-string

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:50 am

From Joe in Arizona:
Santa in G-string arrested on DUI charge
Associated Press

Dec. 25, 2007 09:32 AM

LOS ANGELES - Some gifts from Kris Kringle are better kept wrapped.

A man in a Santa hat was arrested Sunday night for investigation of drunken driving after he was spotted outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood wearing a wig, a red lace camisole and a purple G-string, police said.

“We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus,” Deputy Chief Ken Garner said.

The suspect was booked into jail after his blood-alcohol level measured just above the state’s legal limit of .08, police said. He was later released on $5,000 bail.

The man, who is 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 280 pounds, also wore black leg warmers and black shoes. His car was towed to an impound yard, police said.

December 28, 2007

The Hypnotist

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 3:22 pm

An old classic from Sparky Sandy Steve in Baghdad (I think):

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,—– it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Sh!t!” said the Hypnotist…

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

December 27, 2007

Eating tips for the holidays

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:48 am

It’s time for this oldie again - from AwT in Austin, Texas:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they are serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an “eggnog-aholic” or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s Day.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you have not been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO-HOO what a ride!”


December 26, 2007

Polite way to go pee

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 4:58 pm

In response to some requests: Bad Jim didn’t really get/find any new Christmas jokes this year that met his low standards. Several of you have requested some Holiday jokes, so he may send out some oldies in the next few days.

Happy Boxing Day to all you Canadians and Brits!

Here’s a good Little Johnny joke from Rigger Robert:

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?”

Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

26th December

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 9:23 am

Recycled joke from last year:
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fcuking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fcuk were you thinking, you fat son of a b!tch, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fcuking year to come out with some sh!t like this under the tree.

As if you hadn’t fcuked me enough, you gave that little jerkoff across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house.

Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll fcuk you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the fcuking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that fcuking bike.


Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-B!TCH.
Little Johnny

December 22, 2007

B & W TV?

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 10:32 am

From Trojan Sandy in Valparaiso, Indiana:

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.

“It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

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