Badjim.com

November 30, 2007

That’s how it’s done folks!

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 8:09 am

This is an old Al Gore joke, updated for current voters. Maybe you didn’t see it before – it’s funny. Compliments of Sailor Bill in Rockport, Texas:

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889. Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

And THAT is how it’s done folks

November 29, 2007

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 10:08 am

Rigger Robert sent us this oldie but goody:
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian was party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger.In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

“What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds,

“I’d like to speak to my horse, alone.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully for….the….last….time, I said…..

‘BRING POSSE’

November 27, 2007

TEXAS POLL

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 3:13 pm

From Mike the Bluegrass Hoosier in Houston:

The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor’s office, asked whether people who live in
Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

71% of respondents answered: “No es una problema seriosa.”

November 26, 2007

Southern lady

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:32 am

A little southern humor compliments of Coonass Kim in Corpus Christi, Texas
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River

Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”

“Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”

“I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”

“Well, think of Robert E. Lee,” she shouted.

“Who’s Robert E. Lee?’

”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumbass Yankee.”

Remember that in the south, you can say anything to anyone as long as you say, “Bless your heart.”

November 24, 2007

Mood Ring

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 5:55 am

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.

November 23, 2007

CORRECTIVE: Paris Hilton Story

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 6:08 pm

Bad Jim has a double-decker turkey sandwich on some nice all-grain bread sitting next to his computer. Nice turkey breast slices on both levels. Top with some dressing, bottom with a nice layer cranberry sauce. Middle layer of bread is soaked in warm gravy. I’m about to wash it down with a bottle of St Arnold Christmas Ale. Life doesn’t get better than this on Thanksgiving Friday!

Bad Jim,
Whew. Glad We Got THAT One Straight. Thanks, AP! (This is NOT made up.)
Hugh Gass
Houston

CORRECTIVE: Paris Hilton Story
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
(11-13) 15:44 PST GAUHATI, India (AP) —
In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.
The AP

Defining “Old”

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 12:19 pm

Sandy in Valparaiso, Indiana sends us:
First you tell your friend that you are having an affair.

Then your friend asks you, “Are you having it catered?”

That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!!!!

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