October 31, 2007

Top 10 reasons why Trick or Treating is better than 5ex

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:57 am

1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

2. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

5. It’s OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

7. If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.

8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

9. Less guilt the morning after.


October 30, 2007

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:46 pm

Sorta lame – but appropriate for the season!

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,

20. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

Bad choice of Halloween costume

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:40 am

From our chief source of idiotic news items - Bad Jim’s ole college classmate at ASU (How bout those Sun Devils?) - Injuneer Joe on the Rez in Arizona:
‘Bad choice of Halloween costume’ forces jail lockdown
Associated Press
Nov. 1, 2006 02:27 PM
WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. - A jail went into lockdown and recounted its prisoners on Halloween night after a former inmate was spotted trick-or-treating in his old orange prisoner’s jumpsuit.

“Bad choice of costume,” said Susan Tolchin, chief adviser to Westchester County Executive Andrew Spano.

The former inmate, Oscar Aponte, was taking his daughter trick-or-treating in Peekskill on Tuesday night when a county correction officer - also out trick-or-treating with her child - spotted the familiar jumpsuit, Tolchin said.

“She confronted him, and he ran and drove off,” Tolchin said. The officer took down the man’s license plate and called authorities.

The jail went into lockdown until a prisoner count established that no one was missing. Meanwhile, police found Aponte, confiscated the genuine jumpsuit and let him go.

Charges against Aponte were under consideration. Tolchin said prisoners are not permitted to take their jumpsuits home when they are released.

Aponte was in the jail from May to September for violating probation on a drunken driving charge.

October 29, 2007

Bed sheets

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:59 am

R.I.P. Porter Wagner, 1927-2007
And now for the annual Halloween joke – thank Poo Baker in Norway for the reminder:
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the heck is going on here?’

The drunk, still staring down replied: ‘I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost.’

Happy Halloween

October 28, 2007

How the fight started . . .

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 12:08 am

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?”

. . . and that’s when the fight started . . .

October 26, 2007


Filed under: Bad Blondes, Clean — Bad Jim @ 11:37 am

From Whiner “Who’s idea was it to start this football pool anyway?” Glen in Rochester, NY:

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Duhhhhh ….,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

October 25, 2007

Rev Fluff

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 7:27 am

This is a pretty good take on a really old joke.
Thank Sagging Tray George in Montana:
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. “Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The landlord nodded and said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”

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