Badjim.com

September 30, 2007

Not hungry

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 9:46 pm

October 1 = National Day in China. The fireworks have been going off since early this morning! A cold and rainy day in Tanggu which may put a damper on some of the celebrations.
Compliments of Sparky Sandy Steve in Iraq:
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks.

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires. He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?” He declines again.

“Naw, still not hungry.”

“Well,” she said, “would you mind letting me up? I’ m starving.”

The Drunk!

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 4:23 am

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

“Yes I am” replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t.” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I have not found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 60 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

September 29, 2007

Paris, Tommy and Elton

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 4:46 am

Bad Jim just returned from watching the Ozzie Rules Football Grand Final at a local pub that is favored by the Australians working here in Tanggu.
Geelong 163 Port Adelaide 44
You’re welcome!
Blame Rigger Robert for this one:

Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Paris trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Tommy Lee pulls down her panties and shags her senseless.

He stands back. “Your turn,” he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

“What’s up?” asks Tommy Lee.

Elton sobs, “My head won’t fit between the railings!”

September 27, 2007

Texas Rancher

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:14 pm

Bad Jim is still on the road in Tanggu, PR China. Hopefully he gets home next week.
This is pretty bad, but what would one expect from Ave the Geriatric Biker in Montana:
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is yer Dad home?” the rancher asked.

“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

Well said the rancher, “Is yer Mom here?”

“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”

September 26, 2007

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 11:22 pm

Dear Bad Jim
I had a toootally 70’s experience yesterday…
I was coming home from the vintage guitar show in Niagara Falls with my usual loser friends.
When we got to the Chevrolet Engine Plant in Tonawanda we stopped at a traffic light where hundreds of strikers were shaking their fists and yelling out chants
I felt like I was back in Peoria at the Caterpiller Strike..you remember??
So I stuck my fat head out the window and voiced my total support… shaking my fists and shouting out “Right On..Power to the People..Down with the War Machine..Hell no we won’t go”
You remember???…Anyway, it was great ..one great big fat guy hit me over the head with his cardboard sign and a little old lady threw her Starbucks cup at me as we sped away..
Anyway driving back, while enjoying our liquid refreshments, none of us could figure out what the strike was for.
Do you know?
Best we could figure they were striking because Chevrolets look like crap, don’t have chrome anymore and cost too much money so nobody can buy one?
Any idea what it’s all about?
Rockin’ Dave

Dear Dave,
Go ask Alice.
I suspect this ain’t your father’s autoworkers strike, even if he drove a Buick.
Well Dave – you still driving that 1976 Chevy Vega you had in Peoria? Now that was a fine union-made product!
Bad Jim

September 25, 2007

Symptoms

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:13 pm

Blame Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” in Corpus for this one!

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf.”

The doctor says, “What are the symptoms?”

The man says, “They’re a dysfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads.”

September 24, 2007

Those darn Texans

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:23 pm

This joke has been around awhile in various forms, but Bad Jim likes this version! It’s from Big Easy Social and Pleasure Club regular Diane A. in Houston.
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you … we have some Texans up here who are causing problems! They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, my Horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes … there’s barbecue sauce and Picante sauce all over everything … especially their T-shirts.
“Their dogs are riding in the Chariots and chasing the sheep … they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos! They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing, and they insist on bringing their horses with them!”

The Lord said … “Texans are Texans, Gabriel … Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil!”

So, Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, “Hello, hold on a minute!” When he returns to the phone the Devil says … “O.K, I’m back … what can I do for you?”

Gabriel replied, “I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans.”

The Devil said, “Hold on again … I need to check on something!”

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back, now what was the question?”

“What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?”

The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this…hold on.”

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes, and when he returns he says, “I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now … those Texans have put out the fire, and are trying to install air conditioning!”

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