Badjim.com

August 30, 2007

Carig diet

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 1:14 pm

Ahhhhh yes! Back to the good ole jokes that limbo beneath Bad Jim’s low, low standards! You can blame Wackozacko in Houston for this one:
Q: What’s the difference between the Jenny Craig diet and the Larry Craig diet.

A: One is customized to fit your life, the other is a bowl full of dicks.

[Sure you didn't mean "jowl" Wacko?]

Explorers

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:10 pm

Thank Sparky Sandy Steve in Iraq for this one:
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, “What are you doing???”

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, a$$hole!”

August 29, 2007

Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model Award

Filed under: In the News, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:45 am

This week’s recipient of Bad Jim’s Darryl Strawberry Memorial Role Model Award goes to US Senator Larry “He said/he said misunderstanding” Craig. [Yes, this is a slight departure from the traditional professional athletes that qualify for this coveted award!]

Craig Asks for Forgiveness as Senate GOP Calls for Ethics Investigation
Tuesday, Aug. 28; 6:06 p.m.
Just minutes after Senate Republican leaders issued a statement Tuesday afternoon recommending the Senate Ethics Committee review Sen. Larry Craig’s (R-Idaho) arrest and subsequent guilty plea over an incident at a Minnesota airport men’s restroom, the Idaho Senator publicly asked for his constituents’ forgiveness and proclaimed repeatedly that he is not a homosexual.
[Note from Bad Jim: OK Larry, we’ll call you an Artist! That may sit a little better with your constituents]

Full story with all the nasty details that didn’t make it into the traditional media:
http://www.rollcall.com/issues/1_1/breakingnews/19763-1.html
The quote about the “wide stance” cracks me up!

Fairy Tale:

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:08 am

Thank Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi for this one:
One day, long, long ago, there was this man who surprisingly, was not full of sh!t….

But this was a long time ago…..

….and it was just ONE day.

The End

[Note from Bad Jim: Terry – I believe I remember that DAY. We were working together in Syria and you had just suffered a week-long bout of dysentery. Right?]

August 28, 2007

Definition of Service

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:13 am

From Skatehead Eileen, Attorney at Law, in Houston:
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word “service.”
“It’s the act of doing things for other people.”
Then I heard these terms which reference the word:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “service” meant.
Today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective.

August 27, 2007

Ol’Spot

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:23 am

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors’ house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay.

She then told her husband, “We aren’t going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed.” She said,

“No, I don’t want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison.”

He then said, “I don’t think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them.”

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol’ Spot’s (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol’ Spot didn’t slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to
come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on
her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Brown, Spot just died.”

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down,
she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “It’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm.”

It wasn’t long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, “You know, that fello that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped!!

This month’s winner of Bad Jim’s “I’m gettinbrains fer Chriss-miss” Award!

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:28 am

Bad Jim — our local hero . . . Injun Joe:
PHOENIX — A 20-year-old Mesa, Ariz., motorcyclist was sentenced to three years in prison on Monday for blasting past a school crosswalk at speeds exceeding 160 mph.

Mathew Englebeck was arrested on April 2 after a pursuit and foot chase.

Arizona Department of Public Safety officers said they first observed Englebeck on his 2006 Honda CBR motorcycle traveling around 140 mph in morning rush-hour traffic on U.S. 60 near Mesa Drive.

After exiting the freeway, Englebeck then drove through a crosswalk near
Whittier Elementary School at more than 160 mph, officers said.

DPS motorcycle officer Mike Fields said at one point the speeding biker was coming right at him.

“Unfortunately the position of my bike, he was able to work his way around it nearly colliding with me as he went off and over the on-ramp and back onto westbound U.S. 60,” Fields told Phoenix television station KPHO.

About 30 minutes into the chase, Englebeck abandoned his motorcycle near Rio Salado and the Loop 101 and a foot chase ensued.

Officers said they found Englebeck a short time later in a nearby apartment complex and took him into custody.

KPHO learned that he has riding with a suspended license and has history of wreckless driving.

Officers said Engelbeck told them he was a former racer who was heading for work.

On Aug. 20, he pleaded guilty to two counts of aggravated assault and unlawful flight from law enforcement officers.

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