July 31, 2007

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:49 am

R.I.P. Marvin “Slime in the ice machine” Zindler, 1921-2007
From the Head Bozo over at DeFalco’s in Houston:
Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws — Part One

Light travels faster than sound this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When you go into court…
…you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people…
…who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end…
…someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them…
…five or six at a time…
…on a hill…
…in the fog.

If the shoe fits get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

July 30, 2007


Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:52 pm

Compliments of Hugh Jass in Houston:
Unbuilt Maui TV station lands questionable call letters
The call letters KUNT have landed at a yet-unbuilt low-power digital television station in Wailuku, Maui .

Alarmingly similar to a word the dictionary says is obscene, the call letters were among a 15-page list of new call letters issued by the Federal Communications Commission and released this week.

The same station owner also received KWTF for a station in Arizona .

From Skokie, Ill., comes a sincere apology “to anyone that was offended,” said Kevin Bae, vice president of KM Communications Inc., who requested and received KUNT and KWTF. It is “extremely embarrassing for me and my company and we will file to change those call letters immediately.”

On the Net:

He thanked your columnist for bringing the matter to his attention and pledged to, “make sure I don’t fall asleep on the job when selecting call signs again.”

One might understand how Bae’s eyes could glaze over during selection, as KM has some 80 sets of call letters and alpha-numeric callsigns for TV and radio stations in several states.

No KM station is yet on the air in Hawaii but its mainland TV stations carry programming from America One Network, My Network TV and the CW.

The call letter snafu was a source of great mirth for Bae’s attorney.

“I can’t tell you how long he laughed at me when he learned of my gaffe,” Bae said.

Broadcasters for generations have joked among themselves about call letters resembling off-color words or acronyms knowing the FCC would never approve their assignment — but that was before computerization.

KCUF-FM near Aspen , Colo. got its F-word-in-reverse call letters in August of 2005 and has been on the air since December, “Keeping Colorado Uniquely Free,” its Web site says. Uh, yeah.

Station officials could not be reached, but the automated pop-music slinger has been written about twice in the Aspen Daily News. The paper said radio regulators “blessed the call letters.”

However, assignment of call letters actually is an automated process, according to Mary Diamond of the FCC’s Office of Media Relations. Broadcasters use the FCC Web site to request and receive call letters with no oversight from Beavis, his partner, or any FCC regulator.

Dude, seriously. Even after years of concerns over broadcast indecency and the debate about fines for fleeting profanities that hit the air.

The Code of Federal Regulations allows applicants to request call letters of their choice as long as the combination is available. Further, “objections to the assignment of requested call signs will not be entertained at the FCC,” it states.

Cook until done

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:12 am

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service (????), the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

July 27, 2007


Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 7:33 am

A man is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: “Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?”

Man: “Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

Judge: “Proceed.”

Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”

Man: “Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

July 26, 2007

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:46 am

Dear Bad Jim,
Saturday morning I went down to the Wal-Mart in Marble Falls and bought 300 rounds of ammunition and the new Harry Potter book.
I’m just like that!

Dear Zacko,
Hmmmmmmmmm. Wonder what demographics group that puts you in?
By the way, I’m sure you know this but . . . Muggle ammunition is most likely ineffective against Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
Bad Jim

- - - - -

Dear Bad Jim,
I eat, on the average, about a case of Chili Sauce per week on my Hot Dogs. Do you think I’ll get botulism?
If so, what is botulism?
Is that where you eat alot of stuff then force yourself to hurl?
Doesn’t sound too bad to me — but it would be an awful waste of chili dogs.
Rockin’ Dave

Botulism is when they mess up the recipe and you actually taste the real taste of the hot dogs instead of the chili sauce.
I noticed a little more friction as I was chewing the botulism Chili Dogs and it did taste more metallic I guess because I am eating those Vienna sausages that come in the dented cans this month. Tastes OK to me as well.
I really messed up though, I bought Shiner Light by mistake this week. Need any light beer in large quantities?
Payday isn’t til next Friday.
Up a creek this week
Bad Jim

July 24, 2007

Humorous things to do in public toilet stalls

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 1:16 pm

Blame Sandy Sparky Steve (who’s somewhere in Iraq) for these:
Humorous things to do in public toilet stalls:
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ”May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. ”Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ”Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. ”Damn, this water is cold.”
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ”Now how did that get there?”
8. ”Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.”
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy boy!!”
10. ” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,’ Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?’
12. ”C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
13. ”Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
14. ”Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your ”Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ”Peek-a-boo!”
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ”Born Free.”

July 23, 2007

In bed?

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:47 am

Harry in London writes:
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

Next Page »