Badjim.com

June 27, 2007

Relingous differences

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:32 pm

Greetings from Tanggu, PR China.
From Gordon the melon-headed Scotsman:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

June 23, 2007

Tattoo

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 2:13 pm

Our legal beagle friend MBlack in Southside Place, Texas claims:

“If I ever got a tattoo, it would be a rooster swinging from a rope on my calf; then I could say that I had a cock that hung below my knee.”

June 22, 2007

A little immigration humor

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 2:29 pm

Pretty bad one from Trojan Sandy in Valparaiso, Indiana:
Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the streets of America.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, “Look at your sign dude! It says: ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.’”

Carlos looks at Jose’s sign. It reads “I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country.”

June 21, 2007

Quickie

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 7:39 am

Enjoy the Summer Solstice!
Good laugh from Rigger Robert in Alaska:
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company”, he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike….”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving”
“Jason is on his skate board….”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

June 20, 2007

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 12:52 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
Part of me would like to see the Democratic presidential nomination go to Hillary Clinton and the Republican nomination to Rudy Giuliani.
I don’t really want either of them to win. I’m not even of the mind that either would make a good president. I just think it would be great to have a debate where she was wearing one of her pants suits and he was wearing one of his dresses.
Steve ‘I get more ass than a toilet seat’ Moore
Houston

Dear Steve,
Do you have a problem with our President dressing in drag? I don’t, though the last important government official that did this was J. Edgar Hoover and that didn’t work out real well I’ve been told.
Bad Jim

Dear Bad Jim,
Re:Website of the Week – The Wonders of Herbs
Extremely weird! Some random thoughts:
So that’s what happens when you swallow your gum.
I thought that constantly playing in your own sh!t and then showing the world how screwed up you are was called Project Management.
Most Texans use Mexican food and Habaneras for “plaque” removal.
Quayside Bob
Singapore

Dear Bob,
To paraphrase Elvis:
When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on

And you’re always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
That’s the wonder
The wonder of herbs.

Bet Elvis had some weird lookin’ sh!t eh? All those deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Bad Jim

Jim,
Re: Shake up at Rick’s
I bet former oil “executive” George W Bush must be wondering where he went wrong to miss such an opportunity.
AwT
Austin, TX

June 19, 2007

In the news: Shake up at Rick’s

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:31 am

Rockin’ Dave writes: “I bet the perks make this job better than tired old Oil and Gas Exploration!”

Rick’s Cabaret (RICK) Appoints Phillip Marshall as CFO
05-30-2007 11:52:16 AM
Rick’s Cabaret International, Inc. (NASDAQ: RICK) has named veteran accountant Phillip Marshall as its Chief Financial Officer. He assumes his new duties today.

Most recently Mr. Marshall was controller of Dorado Exploration, Inc., an oil and gas exploration and production company, and previously was chief financial officer of CDT Systems, Inc., a publicly held water technology company. He began his public accounting career with the international accounting firm, KMG Main Hurdman, where he managed the firm’s fifth largest audit practice

10 classic groaners

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 7:20 am

Head Bozo Scott, Houston: “A few new ones and some old. All bad enough to be enjoyable to those of us with appropriately bent minds.”

1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5) Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

9) There were three India n squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept between them on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides.

10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

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