Badjim.com

May 31, 2007

Cyanide

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean — Bad Jim @ 5:49 pm

From Steve P. in Pearland, Texas:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

“Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

May 30, 2007

PCness

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 5:50 pm

Greetings from the Biz Class Lounge in the Tokyo airport.
Compliments of Sagging Tray George in Montana:
Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term: Political Correctness.

“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

May 29, 2007

In the news - I felt real bad after I did it!

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:55 pm

This month’s winner of Bad Jim’s This Guy is Gettin’ Brains fer
Christmas Award:
From Injun Joe in Arizona:

Student Sentenced for Salad Dressing Semen
AP
WHEATON, Ill. (May 24) - A judge has ordered a 17-year-old to pay a $750 fine and perform 120 hours of community service for contaminating salad dressing with semen and returning it to a suburban Chicago high school’s cafeteria.

DuPage County Judge Terence Sheen also placed Marco Castro on two years probation Wednesday and ordered him to write a letter of apology to Wheaton North High School officials. Castro must complete
his community service work for an agency that works with AIDS patients.

Sheen called the prank “beyond stupid.” “If you prove to me you’re worthy of another chance, in two years, then I will give it to you,” Sheen said.

Castro pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct in connection with the Dec. 6 incident. He admitted taking a bottle of ranch salad dressing from the school cafeteria to the bathroom and ejaculating into it, and then returning it to the cafeteria where juniors and seniors eat lunch.

Students reported Castro, and the senior was expelled from Wheaton North. There were no reported cases of illness following the incident.

Castro told police he thought of the prank after watching a movie filled with crude stunts.

“I have no explanation for what I did,” Castro said in court. “I felt bad after I did it.”

Harry Smith, Castro’s attorney, noted that the teen already had been punished, including missing the end of his senior year and humiliating himself and his family.

“It has not been without consequences,” Smith said.

Lawyer’s Porche

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 7:33 am

An oldie:
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!”

“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer.

“MY ROLEX!”

May 28, 2007

Coke vs 7-Up

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 7:13 am

Welcome Steve P., an old MW Kellogg buddy, to Bad Jim’s jokelist.

Blame Pat the West U Super Babe for this one:

A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company.

When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. “Oh! It’s an easy job!

All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!”

May 24, 2007

Redneck Church

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:51 am

From Mom
1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if..opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if.. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if.. in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if.. the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if.. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

15. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

16. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya heah”.

God Bless and don’t fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

May 23, 2007

Actual conversation heard in a Yantai bar in early May:

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Clean — Bad Jim @ 6:58 am

Yu Jie: Mr. Jim, see picture on wall.
Bad Jim: Yes.
Yu Jie: Do you know that man?
Bad Jim: Yes, that’s a South American revolutionary named Che Guervara. He died in the 60’s.
Yu Jie: You know that if you wear shirt with his face on front you will look very smart (as in fashionable).
Bad Jim: So you don’t think I’m making a fashion statement with my worn Levi’s, Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt, and ConocoPhillips China baseball cap?
Yu Jie: What is fashion statement?

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