April 30, 2007

No parent left behind

Filed under: Back to School, Clean — Bad Jim @ 12:15 am

Linda Pat in Pearland, Texas forwarded this one to us.
Please execute him.

Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh!ts. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. [i absolutely love that one!]

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

April 29, 2007

Bet you can’t answer this one!

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:41 pm

Trojan Sandy asks the question: What Is It??

What gets longer when pulled,
fits between your boobs,
inserts neatly in a hole,
and works best when jerked?
scroll down to find the answer…..

A SEAT BELT, you pervert!!!

Now BUCKLE up and pass it on!

April 27, 2007

White Hair

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy, Clean — Bad Jim @ 2:30 am

From Mom
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

April 26, 2007

Hill and Chel chat

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:18 am

According to Nattie our Venezuelan-Dago friend in Houston:
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she’s in love.

“You didn’t have sex, did you?”

“Not according to Dad.”

April 25, 2007

In the news – Lucky man gets to marry dream girl

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:58 am

Compliments of Chriss in Bahrain:
Sudan man forced to ‘marry’ goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat’s owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, of Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

“When I asked him: ‘What are you doing there?’, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up.”

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

“They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife,” Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

April 24, 2007

Southern Lady

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 12:12 am

A little southern humor compliments of Coonass Kim in New Iberia, Louisiana.
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River

Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”

“Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”

“I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”

“Well, think of Robert E. Lee,” she shouted.

“Who’s Robert E. Lee?’

”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumbass Yankee.”

Remember that in the south, you can say anything to anyone as long as you say, “Bless your heart.”

April 22, 2007


Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:34 pm

Compliments of Rick the E&I Geek in Pasa Get Down Dena, Texas:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh!t with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore. You’re a United States Senator from New York.

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