February 28, 2007

Man Law

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:05 am

Chriss writes from Shanghai
Here are the International Rules of Manhood as presented by The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing; i.e.both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

(a) “GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

(b) “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

30. If two men absolutely must sleep in the same bed you may sleep pole to pole, or hole to hole, but never pole to hole. We hope this clears up any confusion.

February 27, 2007

One for the Cajuns

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 6:03 pm

From Coonass Kim in New Iberia, Louisiana:
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: “British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”

One week later, “The Advertiser”, a Lafayette, Louisiana , newspaper, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in cane fields near New Iberia , Gaston Boudreaux, an self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Gaston has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago Cajuns were already using wireless.”

Goalie bares behind at hockey game

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:06 pm

Injun Joe sent us this one:
Associated Press
Feb. 21, 2007 07:41 AM
NORTH LOGAN, Utah - A University of Southern California hockey goalie put on a show, but it had nothing to do with stopping shots.

Mickey Meyer rode his stick like a horse, dropped his bulky pants, mooned the crowd and slapped his buttocks during a game against Brigham Young University, police said.

He was ejected and ticketed for lewdness, a misdemeanor, after an officer who was working security at the rink said he witnessed the scene Saturday. advertisement

“I had my fill of these refs,” Meyer said on an Internet broadcast of the game, according to The Herald-Journal of Logan.

It will be up to prosecutors whether to pursue a case against him.

“This is a small town,” North Park police Sgt. John Italasano said. “This was a college team playing and hockey’s a wild game. Sometimes things get out of hand.”

Meyer’s antics occurred while play was stopped and referees were trying to sort out penalties in the third period of a consolation game in the ACHA West Regional tournament at Eccles Ice Center.

The junior from Clinton, N.Y., was “riding his hockey stick like a horse and slapping his butt,” North Park Officer Mike Stauffer said in a report.

After pulling down his pants, Meyer slapped his bare bottom several times, Stauffer said.

Rink manager Floyd Naegle was unhappy.

“We don’t treat this as a funny incident,” he said Tuesday. “We’re a family oriented business. It’s a one-time incident and we try to do what we can to protect ourselves.”

The Trojans lost the game against BYU, 6-4. The night before, they’d lost 3-1 to Utah State.

Big People

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:57 am

Compliments of Jim P. in Houston:
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

‘You need to use ‘Big People’ words,’ she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend!

‘I went to visit my Nana.’

‘No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

‘I took a ride on a choo-choo.’

She said ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People.’ words.

She then asked Little Jimmie what he had done!

‘I read a book,’ he replied.

‘That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’

Jimmie thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, ‘Winnie the SH!T.’

February 26, 2007

U gotta love Louisiana

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:38 am

Coonass Kim should know:
The owner of a golf course in Shreveport was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from LSU and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
“Where’s Bubba?” the others asked.
“Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Bubba lying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter.
“But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!”

A senior at Louisiana State University was overheard saying: “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Louisiana came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

February 24, 2007

The sensitive man

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:30 am

Bad Jim is home in Pada “get down” Dena, Texas and had himslf a big plate of Tex-Mex food for dinner last night to celebrate!
New and improved version of an old classic from Rigger Robert in Alaska.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cut, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all song the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says………………
‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!’

February 21, 2007

In the News - MTA: Fainting dieters delay NYC subways

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:42 am

Bad Jim is heading back to Houston today where he hopes to be able to
sleep. 5 nights in a row of fireworks until 2 am in Beijing makes
sleep a bit difficult.
Happy Lunar New Year. The Year of the Golden Pig is upon us.
Compliments of Rockin’ Dave in NYC. Dave usually faints at the sight
of a double bacon cheeseburger and a pint of Guiness.

MTA: Fainting dieters delay NYC subways
Tue Jan 2, 11:40 PM ET
NEW YORK - Sick subway passengers, most of them dieters who faint from dizziness, are among the top causes of train delays, according to the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.

After track work and signal problems, ill passengers rated among the main reasons for subway disruptions between October 2005 and October 2006, according to an analysis of MTA statistics, AM New York reported Tuesday.

Asim Nelson, a transit emergency medical technician, told the paper that fainting dieters topped the “sick customer” list.

“Not eating for three or four days, you are going to go down,” Nelson said. “If you don’t eat for 12 hours, you are going to get weak.”

Although the agency doesn’t keep an official record of the nature of each rider’s illness, the paper said that an average 395 delays each month are caused by sick customers.

The notion that fainting dieters are causing transit delays was
previously reported by the newspaper Metro in a 2005 article.

Fainting spells caused by missed meals topped other “sick customer” causes, including flu symptoms, anxiety attacks, hangovers and heat exhaustion, according to Nelson.

Nelson is part of the MTA’s “sick Customer Response Program,” which consists of emergency medical technicians and registered nurses. When a rider becomes sick, the train conductor must stay with the passenger until emergency responders arrive.

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